Holy Crap Lois! Crypto Mortgages Are Here! Time to Buy That Giant Chicken Coop!

Giggity Giggity! Crypto Meets the Mortgage!

Alright so I heard about this thing and Lois you're not gonna believe it. Apparently the Federal Housing Finance Agency – sounds like some kinda robot from Star Wars right? – they're making Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac… who sound like a vaudeville act… consider crypto for mortgages! Yeah like Bitcoin! I can finally buy that solid gold toilet I've always wanted... and maybe a house too.

No More Dollar Dollar Bills Y'all!

So get this: You don't even have to turn your funny internet money into boring old dollars before buying a house. It's like that time I tried to pay for groceries with clams. Remember that Lois? The cashier was NOT impressed. But this time it's legit... kinda. I'm picturing a future where I pay for my house with Dogecoin while chugging Pawtucket Patriot Ale. Ahhhhh!

Trump's Crypto Kingdom?

Apparently this is all part of some plan to make America the “crypto capital of the world.” Sounds like something Trump would say while wearing a gold plated hat right? I'm not sure if it's a good thing but if it means I can finally afford that solid gold chicken coop for the Giant Chicken I'm all in! Damn you Ernie!

But Wait There's a Catch! (D'OH!)

Okay so there are some rules. Like the crypto has to be on some fancy U.S. regulated exchange. Sounds boring but it's probably important so people like me don't try to buy a house with fake Monopoly money. They're also gonna try and account for how crazy the crypto market is. Which is a good thing because last week my Bitcoin was worth enough to buy a yacht and this week it's worth like a can of beans. It's crazier than that time I got addicted to online poker!

Fannie and Freddie More Like Funny and Freaky!

These Fannie and Freddie guys – or gals who knows? – they gotta come up with plans to show they won't go bankrupt because I decided to buy a mansion with Squid Game cryptocurrency. The plans then go to their bosses. Then the government! It's like a really complicated game of telephone. But hey at least someone's trying to figure out this whole crypto thing. I still don't understand it but I’m excited to see what happens! It could be GREAT!

Government to the Rescue (Again?)

Remember way back in 2008 when Fannie and Freddie got into trouble? They were rescued by the government! Now they're on the front lines of crypto mortgages! It's like watching a train wreck in slow motion... but with digital money! I'm going to go watch TV now. Maybe there is a new episode of Deep Space Nine... Or maybe I'll just go watch the Honeymooners.