Death Cross Alert! Is Your Wallet About To Become Lois's Next Shopping Spree?!

Giggity Giggity... Death Cross?!

Alright so I'm Peter Griffin and let me tell ya I've seen some scary stuff. Like that time I fought the giant chicken...or when I tried to become a Chippendale's dancer... But this 'death cross' thing? Now that sounds like something that could seriously mess with my beer money! Apparently some fancy pants stocks are about to take a nosedive and it's all thanks to these trade wars or whatever. You know the stuff that makes Brian roll his eyes and say 'Oh Peter you wouldn't understand.' Well I understand that if my stocks tank I can't buy as many six packs!

Disney's Doing a Dopey?

First up we got Disney. Yeah Mickey Mouse might be smiling but his stock sure ain't. Apparently it's lost 24% this year! 24%! That's like losing a whole case of Pawtucket Patriot Ale! Some analyst guy Laurent Yoon is saying there are 'intensifying macro fears' about their parks. Well no duh! People are too busy arguing about tariffs to go ride Space Mountain! I mean 'What the deuce?'

Bank of America's Banking on Trouble?

Next Bank of America. Now I'm not exactly a financial whiz – remember when I tried to open a bank account with a box of cereal? – but even I know that a stock plunging almost 17% isn't good! Some other analyst lady is saying their valuation is attractive. I don't know about that! Last time someone told me something was 'attractive,' it turned out to be Quagmire in a speedo. Giggity!

Delta's Delayed Disaster?

And now Delta Air Lines. These guys are in for a crash landing too it seems! They're cutting back on flights because nobody's booking them thanks to these trade wars. It's almost as bad as the time I tried to fly a kite in a hurricane. Spoiler alert: it didn't end well. Hey maybe they should just offer free beer on all flights. That'd fill the seats! You hear that Delta? Call me!

Tesla's Shocking Slip Up?

Oh and Tesla? They're not quite in 'death cross' territory but they're still sinking faster than my boat in the bathtub. Shares are down 38%! That's like losing Meg to a more popular kid! But hey at least someone thinks they'll win in 'embodied artificial intelligence.' Whatever that means. Maybe they'll build a robot butler who brings me beer. Now that's progress!

Pro Live For All the Clams?

So if you're like me and have absolutely no clue what's going on but want to pretend you do CNBC is doing some fancy event at the New York Stock Exchange. They promise 'expert insights.' Maybe they'll explain this whole mess in a way that even I can understand. Plus there's a cocktail hour! I'm sold! Just gotta find Lois's credit card...