Giggity Giggity... Apple's Gone Downhill!
Holy crap Lois! You won't BELIEVE this! That fancy fruit company Apple is tanking faster than I can chug a Pawtucket Patriot Ale! Some fancy pants analyst named Craig Moffett—sounds like a Muppet am I right?—says their stock is gonna keep dropping like my pants at a Quahog clam bake! He slashed the price target to $141. That's even less than the price of one of those tiny little lightning dongles! Giggity!
Trump's Tariffs: Badder Than a Kiss from Herbert!
Apparently this Donald Trump fella and his tariffs are hitting Apple harder than a freight train hits Cleveland! China's the go to place for making all those iPhones and other shiny gadgets. And with Trump slapping tariffs on everything it's costing Apple a fortune! It's like trying to buy beer at The Drunken Clam with Monopoly money! Doesn't work folks!
AI? More Like Aiii Caramba!
And get this Lois! Apple's apparently behind the times when it comes to that Artificial Intelligence stuff! You know the thing that makes your phone smarter than me which admittedly isn't saying much. They're falling behind those Google guys and that's never good kinda like when I fell behind after Brian offered me a beer... Wait what were we talking about again?
The Google Problem: Worse Than Meg's Prom Date!
As if all that wasn't bad enough those Google guys are causing trouble again. Apparently Apple gets a ton of money from them in royalties – more than a quarter of their income! But some judge (probably a liberal huh Lois?) thinks those payments are illegal. So if Google stops paying up Apple is screwed harder than when I try to assemble IKEA furniture. It’s like trying to teach Meg how to be popular!
No Easy Answers Just Lots of Booze!
This Moffett fella says Apple's stuck between a rock and a hard place. They either pay a fortune in tariffs or spend even MORE money to find someone else to make their stuff. Either way it's gonna cost them. Sounds like my marriage to Lois! Ah I love you Lois even if you DO keep stealing my Cutaway Gags! Which reminds me remember that time I tried to become a stock broker... Ahhh good times
So Should You Sell Your Apple Stock? Ehhhhhh...
So what does all this mean for you the average Joe—or in my case the average Peter? Should you sell your Apple stock? Ehhhhhh... I don't know! I'm just a fat guy who likes beer and watching TV. But if this Moffett guy is right things ain't looking good! Maybe just buy more beer instead. Now if you'll excuse me I think I hear the TV calling my name. And maybe I'll go get a handy from Mort Goldman.
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xiaoqi
This is gonna affect my ability to play mobile games. Sad.
mpate813
Guess I'll have to stick with my rotary phone then.
longterm
This is worse than the time I tried to invest in Beanie Babies!
james09
I'm starting to think those Android phones aren't so bad after all...
looney
Tariffs? More like terrible-iffs! Am I right?
josephc
I blame Brian. Probably shorting Apple stock!
altaee
Maybe Chris can get a job at Apple to turn things around! LOL
kal30314
Sounds like a real Stewie situation. Evil plans foiled by the economy!