Excellent! Trump's Minions Beg China for Forgiveness! A Burns News Exclusive

London Calling... For Help!

Bah! As if I Charles Montgomery Burns care about this drivel but apparently those blithering idiots in Washington are off to London to kiss up to the Chinese. My sources (a team of highly paid yet utterly replaceable spies) tell me Trump's top dogs are practically begging Beijing to end this 'trade dispute.' Honestly it's like watching Smithers try to parallel park – painful and utterly pointless!

The Usual Suspects (of Incompetence)

According to the news wires some nobodies named Scott Bessent Howard Lutnick and Jamieson Greer are representing the U.S. Meanwhile China is sending He Lifeng who probably laughs at our ineptitude while sipping tea and plotting our economic downfall. They call this a 'China U.S. economic and trade consultation mechanism.' I call it a waste of perfectly good crumpets.

A Lengthy Phone Call? More Like a Futile Plea!

Apparently Trump had a 'lengthy phone call' with Xi Jinping. I imagine it went something like this: Trump blustering about 'making deals' while Xi calmly explains how we're already over a barrel. If only I could bottle and sell the sheer unadulterated desperation!

Tariffs? More Like Tantrums!

This whole mess started with Trump throwing a tantrum over tariffs. He slapped them on everything China retaliated and now they're all running around like chickens with their heads cut off. I haven't seen such comical incompetence since that time I tried to run for governor. Release the hounds!

Geneva? More Like 'Geneva? I Hardly Know Her!'

They all met in Geneva and supposedly agreed to 'temporarily slash duties.' Ha! As if those promises are worth the paper they're written on. It's like Smithers promising to be assertive; amusing but ultimately a lie. Both sides are already whining about violations. Quelle surprise!

Strategic Interests? More Like 'Desperate Measures'

Karoline Leavitt (whoever *that* is) says the talks will focus on moving forward with the Geneva agreement. Apparently they have 'strategic interests' in each other's markets. I have a strategic interest in continuing to hoard my wealth and avoid paying taxes. That's the only strategy that matters!