Excellent! Republican Exodus: A Burns' Eye View of Congress Crumbling

A Pox on Congress!

Bah! Another one bites the dust. This Mark Green fellow a Republican of some repute has decided to abandon his post. 'Resignation,' they call it. I call it weakness! Back in my day a Congressman would cling to power like a barnacle to a ship's hull. Now he's off to some 'business venture' to 'compete against the CCP.' As if! The Chinese will crush him like a bug on a windshield. But his resignation shrinks the Republican majority in the House. It appears my years of funding these nincompoops has come to naught!

Johnson's Jiggling Jelly

That simpering Speaker Johnson is in a state I'm sure. Trying to herd cats he is! Apparently he was trying to pass Trump's 'big beautiful bill' (whatever drivel that may be). With a majority so slim even a gnat's sneeze could derail the whole thing. Now with Green abandoning ship Johnson is weaker than a newborn kitten. He makes me look like a titan of industry!

Retreat to the Private Sector Pathetic!

Green claims he's off to 'help America.' Hmph! He says he will do so by starting a business to compete with the Chinese. As if a lone entrepreneur can stand against the Red Dragon! I suspect he's simply found a way to line his own pockets while cloaking it in patriotic guff. 'Excellent...' for him I suppose. Now where's my money tree?

Rats Leaving a Sinking Ship?

The article mentions other defections such as this Waltz fellow running off to serve Trump then promptly scurrying away again. And another Republican named Bacon fleeing as well. It would appear that Republicans are less committed to their duties than Waylon Smithers is to my every whim! Are they jumping before the ship sinks? Is the whole Republican experiment about to go belly up? 'Release the hounds!' I want to know what is happening to my investments.

A Democrat Opportunity? Nonsense!

This Bacon fellow leaving has created an 'opportunity' for the Democrats they say. Poppycock! As if those socialists have a chance! I'll simply divert some funds grease a few palms and ensure that another Republican takes his place. The House shall remain in the hands of those who truly matter: the wealthy elite. Smithers remind me to buy some more congressmen. You know for the collection.

What Next Smithers?

So what to do about this mess? Clearly these Republicans need a firm hand. Perhaps I should buy the entire Congress. Then and only then will I have the power I deserve. Smithers begin drafting the acquisition proposal. And find me a nice young congressman to 'mentor'. Hmm yes this could be interesting. 'Release the robotic Richard Simmons!' We have work to do!