Excellent! Tech Stocks Surge as Global Tensions Thaw and Trump Does Deals (Release the Hounds!)

Meltdown Averted (For Now!)

Well well well what do we have here? It appears the world hasn't ended after all. This week saw technology stocks jumping like fleas on a hound thanks to some ridiculous 'thawing of global tensions' and that blithering buffoon Trump gallivanting around the Middle East. Tesla and Nvidia those money printing machines soared 17% and 16% respectively. It seems even those imbeciles are capable of occasionally making the right decision 'excellent'.

A 90 Day Stay of Execution

China and the U.S. have declared a 90 day pause on tariffs? A temporary truce in the trade war? Bah! It's like giving Burns Manor a fresh coat of paint before the inevitable nuclear winter. Still one can't complain when the stocks rise can one? A rising tide lifts all yachts and mine are exceptionally buoyant I might add.

Nvidia's Middle Eastern Bonanza

That slippery fellow Jensen Huang of Nvidia is selling over 18,000 of his Blackwell AI chips to Saudi Arabia. AI you say? Perhaps I should invest in a robot capable of firing Smithers I would call him Number 1. AMD is also in on this grift. I’ll have Smithers look into acquiring these companies perhaps. I am smelling profits profits and more profits.

Musk's Martian Ambitions and Middle Eastern Pit Stops

And then there's that preposterous Musk character selling Starlink and robotaxis in Saudi Arabia. Robotaxis! The only robots I want are the ones polishing my monocle. Still if it lines my pockets I suppose I can tolerate his eccentricities for a few million dollars... or billions.

Biden's Chip Export "Simpler Rule"

Even that doddering fool Biden is helping things along by dialing back chip export curbs on China. Apparently Nvidia needs a license to ship AI chips to China. National security concerns you say? Poppycock! The only thing that matters is profit. And those H20 GPU shipments to China. $5.5 billion you say? The fools! That money should have gone to me. But at least Huang is talking about a $50 billion AI market in China. Excellent…

A Tremendous Loss… For Them Not Me

Huang whines about missing out on the Chinese AI market. 'A tremendous loss,' he says. The only tremendous loss is the amount of money Smithers pilfers from the petty cash drawer each week. But as long as my dividends are fat and my stock options are plentiful I suppose I can endure the incompetence and occasional bursts of competence from these tech companies. Now Smithers fetch my brandy. And be quick about it!