Excellent News! Trump Greenlights Steel Merger, a Bonanza for Me!

A Triumph for Capitalism Eh Smithers?

Finally some good news that doesn't involve those pesky environmental regulations or having to pay my employees a living wage! That blithering buffoon President Trump has seen the light and approved the merger of U.S. Steel and Nippon Steel. As if I don't have enough steel already...still more is more!

70,000 New Jobs? Poppycock!

Trump claims this delightful deal will create at least 70,000 jobs and add $14 billion to the U.S. economy. Bah! Humbug! While those numbers sound impressive I'm sure we can find a way to automate most of those positions. After all a robot doesn't ask for bathroom breaks and they certainly don't unionize. Release the robotic Richard Simmons!

Pittsburgh Stays Put Much to My Chagrin

Apparently U.S. Steel's headquarters will remain in Pittsburgh. Blast! I was hoping to relocate it somewhere more... amenable to my particular brand of management. Perhaps somewhere with a lower risk of spontaneous worker uprisings? 'Are you quite sure sir?' Yes Smithers I'm quite sure!

Biden's Blunder: A Missed Opportunity

That imbecile Biden initially blocked Nippon Steel's purchase citing national security concerns. National security! As if my own nuclear power plant is a beacon of safety! Fortunately Trump in a moment of unexpected brilliance re reviewed the proposal and wisely overturned that decision. 'Release the hounds!' Er I mean release the steel profits!

Stock Surge: Cha Ching!

U.S. Steel shares surged more than 20% after Trump's announcement. Excellent! My portfolio is looking healthier than ever. Now if only I could figure out how to avoid paying taxes on all these gains... Smithers find me a loophole and make it snappy!

A Rally? How Trivial!

Trump plans to hold a rally at U.S. Steel in Pittsburgh. How tiresome. All that cheering and flag waving. Still it's a good opportunity to ensure my own… contributions to this merger are properly acknowledged. Perhaps I should prepare a speech? No Smithers you prepare a speech and make it snappy. And don't forget to mention my unparalleled business acumen!