Excellent! EU's Energy Independence From Russia Will Line My Pockets

A Brilliant Scheme...For Me

Bah! Those feckless Europeans are finally doing something right. This 'European Commission' has announced plans to cut off all Russian gas nuclear and LNG imports by 2027. Excellent! This 'energy independence' they speak of? It's a golden opportunity! I shall corner the market! Think of the profits! I'll be richer than… well richer than I already am. Smithers remind me to buy up all the available uranium. And perhaps a small country or two. Nothing says 'profit' like a good old fashioned monopoly eh Smithers?

Those Whining Eastern Europeans!

Of course there's always a fly in the ointment. These Eastern European nations particularly Slovakia and Hungary are making a fuss! They call it 'economic suicide'! 'Threat to energy security'! Oh boo hoo! They've been cozying up to Moscow for too long relying on 'cheaper energy.' Pah! Cheap is for the weak! I shall charge exorbitant prices and they will pay! They'll rue the day they crossed Montgomery Burns. Release the hounds Smithers! Figuratively of course. For now.

A New Iron Curtain? Nonsense!

Slovakian Prime Minister Robert Fico bleats about a 'new Iron Curtain.' Nonsense! It's a 'Profit Curtain'! A curtain woven from the finest most expensive materials paid for by his own citizens! And Hungarian Foreign Minister Péter Szijjártó cries about 'political motivation' and 'violated sovereignty'! Well boo hoo! They say it threatens energy security and drives up prices. As if I care about that! To the enrichment mines with them!

EU Power Grab Excellent!

The EU's 'roadmap' involves phasing out Russian gas by 2027. And they're actually going to allow a qualified majority to decide? No vetoes? Excellent! That's the kind of ruthless efficiency I admire. It means my plans can't be thwarted by a few recalcitrant countries. These guys mean business. I'll have to send them a fruit basket...laced with something to ensure their continued cooperation naturally.

Putin's 'War Chests' A Concern? Hardly!

Apparently this 'European Commissioner for Energy' Dan Jorgensen is concerned about filling Putin's 'war chests.' As if *I* care about Putin's war chests! As long as my own war chests are overflowing that's all that matters. And I assure you they will be. I'm thinking of commissioning a golden statue of myself paid for entirely with profits from this energy crisis. Smithers start sketching!

Burns' Grand Strategy

So there you have it. The EU is cutting off Russia those Eastern Europeans are whining and I Montgomery Burns am poised to profit handsomely. This is a glorious day for capitalism! Now if you'll excuse me Smithers and I have a strategy meeting to attend. We need to finalize the details of my takeover. And perhaps practice my evil laugh. Mwah ha ha! ...Smithers was that maniacal enough?