BJ's: Eh What's One Little Tariff?
Blast these infernal tariffs! They threaten to squeeze my precious profits much like Smithers squeezes the toothpaste. This Woods fellow at Freedom Capital Markets a perfectly cromulent name I must say seems rather optimistic about BJ's Wholesale Club. Apparently even though BJ's might have to raise prices (the nerve!) they're still sticking to their yearly outlook. As if I care about the 'common man' paying more. I'll just raise my prices at the power plant. A ha! A ha ha!
A Pullback? Excellent...
This so called "price action" that Mr. Woods is yammering about I find rather…concerning. A stock pulling back! It's barbaric! However as he says it does present an "opportunity." A chance for Burns to swoop in and snatch up shares at a slightly lower price! Excellent! Now if you'll excuse me I have to call my broker...and remind him who signs his checks.
Uber Alles! (Or Just Uber is Good)
Now Uber. I like this Uber! People too lazy to walk? Perfect. More business for me! Woods calls it his "favorite long term stock." Excellent. And the fools who think Tesla will be a problem? Bah! As if Musk's contraptions could ever rival the sheer unadulterated profit of Uber. Remember a good stock is like unfiltered water: Slightly toxic but good for the bottom line!
Tesla? A Threat? Nonsense!
This Woods fellow dismissed concerns about Tesla and rightly so! They've been 'acting on all cylinders.' I assume he means they're burning fossil fuels like there's no tomorrow. Which frankly is my business model. Any dip to $80? A buy he says. I concur! Buy buy BUY! Before those pesky environmentalists catch wind of our schemes.
Palo Alto Networks: Cybersecurity? More Like Cyber Profits!
Palo Alto Networks…sounds complicated. Something to do with computers I believe. But Woods says it's good despite the "extreme" valuation. Numbers numbers numbers...As long as they go up I'm happy. He suggests buying the dips and honestly who am I to argue with a man who understands the language of profit?
The Long Game: Burns Always Wins
So there you have it. Burns' guide to the stock market. BJ's (maybe) Uber (yes!) and Palo Alto (if you dare). Remember the market is a fickle beast. But with a little cunning a dash of ruthlessness and a whole lot of luck you too can become as wealthy and powerful as…well me. Now Smithers fetch me my checkbook. It's time to buy buy buy! Release the hounds!
Mr. Burns stock market investments BJ's Wholesale Uber Palo Alto Networks tariffs earnings Wall Street profit
Comments
From Mr Burns
Breaking News
All Rights Reserved © 2023
hanzo001
I hear that nuclear power plant has had over 300 safety violations since it opened. What do you all have to say about that?
lisiukas
Woods sounds like he knows what he's talking about! Burns, you made a good choice for once.
knlckers
These tariffs are ruining everything! My monocle polish budget is suffering!
aernandez
Smithers, who is this 'CNBC' you speak of and why aren't they worshipping me?
ArrozOner
Remember that time Burns blocked out the sun? Good times, good times.
beta02
These stocks sound like a fine addition to my portfolio, indeed.