Excellent! Burns Endorses Stocks: A Glimpse into My Investments (And Yours, If You're Smart)

BJ's: Eh What's One Little Tariff?

Blast these infernal tariffs! They threaten to squeeze my precious profits much like Smithers squeezes the toothpaste. This Woods fellow at Freedom Capital Markets a perfectly cromulent name I must say seems rather optimistic about BJ's Wholesale Club. Apparently even though BJ's might have to raise prices (the nerve!) they're still sticking to their yearly outlook. As if I care about the 'common man' paying more. I'll just raise my prices at the power plant. A ha! A ha ha!

A Pullback? Excellent...

This so called "price action" that Mr. Woods is yammering about I find rather…concerning. A stock pulling back! It's barbaric! However as he says it does present an "opportunity." A chance for Burns to swoop in and snatch up shares at a slightly lower price! Excellent! Now if you'll excuse me I have to call my broker...and remind him who signs his checks.

Uber Alles! (Or Just Uber is Good)

Now Uber. I like this Uber! People too lazy to walk? Perfect. More business for me! Woods calls it his "favorite long term stock." Excellent. And the fools who think Tesla will be a problem? Bah! As if Musk's contraptions could ever rival the sheer unadulterated profit of Uber. Remember a good stock is like unfiltered water: Slightly toxic but good for the bottom line!

Tesla? A Threat? Nonsense!

This Woods fellow dismissed concerns about Tesla and rightly so! They've been 'acting on all cylinders.' I assume he means they're burning fossil fuels like there's no tomorrow. Which frankly is my business model. Any dip to $80? A buy he says. I concur! Buy buy BUY! Before those pesky environmentalists catch wind of our schemes.

Palo Alto Networks: Cybersecurity? More Like Cyber Profits!

Palo Alto Networks…sounds complicated. Something to do with computers I believe. But Woods says it's good despite the "extreme" valuation. Numbers numbers numbers...As long as they go up I'm happy. He suggests buying the dips and honestly who am I to argue with a man who understands the language of profit?

The Long Game: Burns Always Wins

So there you have it. Burns' guide to the stock market. BJ's (maybe) Uber (yes!) and Palo Alto (if you dare). Remember the market is a fickle beast. But with a little cunning a dash of ruthlessness and a whole lot of luck you too can become as wealthy and powerful as…well me. Now Smithers fetch me my checkbook. It's time to buy buy buy! Release the hounds!