Excellent! Buffett Quits! Berkshire Hathaway Up For Grabs!

Smithers Plot His Demise! (I Mean Departure)

Bah! That Warren Buffett with his folksy charm and reasonable investment strategies is finally throwing in the towel! Apparently he plans to let some chap named Greg Abel take over. Abel eh? Sounds like a character from a Dickens novel. I'll have Smithers check him out. Probably riddled with gout and entirely unsuitable. Mark my words Berkshire Hathaway will be mine all mine! Excellent! I say! He previously told his children who are also on the board Howie and Susie. I suppose they are okay. But none as brilliant as yours truly!

Tariffs? Bah! More Like Taxing the Little People (Like Me!)

Buffett droned on about tariffs and how they're bad for everyone. As if I care about 'everyone'! He called it "an act of war." Poppycock! Tariffs are merely a way to ensure that my competitors don't undercut my… my… various nefarious schemes! Trade? More like a tedious exchange of pleasantries before I crush my enemies! He did not mention Trump by name in discussion of the impact of these trade plans. Probably because he secretly agrees with me!

Market Turbulence? A Mere Hiccup! Time To Pounce!

This so called market turbulence is nothing more than a slight breeze rustling the leaves of my money tree! The S&P 500 went down? Fantastic! A fantastic opportunity as that old coot Buffett says. A 50% drop in Berkshire's shares? Now *that's* what I call a clearance sale! Smithers prepare the vultures… I mean my financial advisors.

America The Land of Opportunity (For People Like Me!)

Buffett waxes poetic about American exceptionalism. As if merely being born here makes you special! It takes cunning ruthlessness and a complete disregard for the well being of others to truly succeed in this country. Oh and a sizable inheritance doesn't hurt either. "If I were being born today I would just keep negotiating in the womb until they said you can be in the United States." I would negotiate with the devil to be born rich!

Deficits? A Problem For Future Generations! (Who Cares?)

Deficits you say? Oh the horror! As if I plan on being around to pay them off. Let some future generation of simpering do gooders worry about that. I plan to live forever you know. Or at least until I can transfer my consciousness into a robotic dog. "It's a job I don't want but it's a job I think should be done," he said. Well I do not want it I do not want anything but MORE MONEY!

$10 Billion Almost Spent? Child's Play! I'll Spend $1 Trillion!

Buffett almost spent $10 billion? A pittance! I spend that much on my daily cigars! He's sitting on over $330 billion in cash? What a waste! All that money gathering dust when it could be funding my various schemes to block out the sun or build a giant robot to crush Springfield! I will spend it all and then some to achieve my ultimate goal: TOTAL WORLD DOMINATION! Smithers have the hounds released! We have a company to acquire!