A Most Satisfactory Beginning!
Blast this infernal technology! Alphabet that Google contraption's parent has done rather well wouldn't you say Smithers? Their first quarter earnings have exceeded expectations much to my delight! The stock has risen which means more money for Burns Manor and my various nefarious schemes. A 5% rise you say? Excellent! Release the hounds... to celebrate of course.
The Numbers the Numb ers!
Revenue at $90.23 billion! Earnings per share at $2.81! It's enough to make a hardened capitalist like myself weep tears of…profit! However YouTube's advertising revenue was a tad disappointing but even I Charles Montgomery Burns occasionally misstep on my way to world domination. Oh well no matter I'll just squeeze my workers harder and steal their dental plan to make up for it! Hahaha!
Bah! AI's Rise and Search's Reign!
This AI…artificial intelligence. Sounds like something from a comic book! Even with this technological scourge Alphabet's search and advertising units are still showing robust growth. Hmph those whippersnappers at Google are doing something right even if I can't understand a single blasted thing they do. Still with my AI overlords no one will dare cross me! The world will be mine!
Trade Loopholes and Trump's meddling!
Apparently President Trump that orange fellow ending some trade loophole might cause a slight problem for Google's advertising revenue next year. A 'headwind' they call it! Blast! I need to give that man a call. Perhaps I can convince him to keep the loophole open in exchange for… let's just say a 'contribution' to his next campaign. After all a few more dollars in my coffers never hurt anyone... except maybe my employees.
Cloud Cuckoo Land (or is it Cloud Computing?)
Their cloud computing division whatever that is only slightly missed expectations. However they made up for it with increased revenue and margins. Oh yes this sounds promising... with Google Cloud and the impending Wiz acquisition to bolster security they'll be unstoppable. My own plans for a cloud based Doomsday Device are coming along nicely thank you very much!
Those Pesky 'Other Bets'!
Oh dear. The 'Other Bets' segment including that self driving car Waymo and the life sciences unit Verily is losing money hand over fist! It seems my own venture into driverless carriages (powered by disgruntled employees of course) is still superior. Fire those slackers at Verily Smithers! I want results not red ink!
Comments
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debnmike
I'll crush you like an aluminum can!
iceefreezee
Release the hounds!
shop01
I need to give that man a call.
daicathichbahoa
Are they unionized?
AngelaMS
Hmm, interesting... but how can I weaponize it?
sunsight12
Smithers, who is this 'Google' you speak of?
chianglidia25
A slight headwind, you say? Nothing a little underhanded tactic can't solve!