Bah! Economic Uncertainty? Excellent News For This Plutocrat!

A Pox on Prosperity!

Bah! Economic uncertainty you say? Splendid! As if I haven't seen enough economic tides to fill Loch Ness. This Andrew Bailey fellow bleating about tariffs and trade agreements sounds like Smithers after a sherry. "There's more uncertainty now than there was in the past," he wails. As if the past was a picnic! The past was for crushing unions and buying up politicians and I see no reason why the future should be any different.

First to the Trough!

This U.K. U.S. trade agreement...hmm a chance to exploit the working class on both sides of the Atlantic? Excellent! But Bailey rightly notes the ripples. The U.K. is as he puts it 'a very open economy.' Open I say like a gaping maw ready to swallow every spare penny of the proletariat. My power plant will be running at full capacity draining the lifeblood from Springfield and now potentially the entire United Kingdom!

A Sea of Tariffs

Higher tariff levels you say? Oh bother! It seems my plans for global domination via cheap labor and unregulated emissions may hit a snag. Still I can't help but admire the chutzpah. Charge exorbitant fees watch the little people squirm then rake in the dough. It's like stealing candy from a baby...a very very wealthy baby. Time to unleash my secret weapon: the lawyers! And maybe a well placed bribe or two. Or three. What was it I always said Smithers? 'Release the hounds!' And by hounds I mean lobbyists.

Uncertainty: My Favorite Word

The Bank of England's report uses the word 'uncertainty' 41 times? Good heavens! That's almost as many times as I've cheated death! It sounds like a symphony to my ears. Uncertainty breeds fear and fear...well fear is profitable! They should have asked me to write it. I could have inflated that number to at least 100 perhaps by repeating the word over and over again. 'Uncertainty uncertainty uncertainty...'

Slimy Rate Cuts

A quarter percentage point interest rate cut you say? A pittance! They should give me the money directly! It's like trying to put out a nuclear fire with a squirt gun. Still any advantage is worth exploiting. I'll have Smithers crunch the numbers. He's surprisingly good at that sort of thing considering he can't even remember my name half the time.

The Burns Doctrine

Bailey claims some saw the rate decision as hawkish? Rubbish! It's all about controlling the narrative. He speaks of 'risks on both sides.' As if there's any risk to me! The only risk is to those who stand in the way of my ever growing fortune. Weakness of demand? Inflation? These are merely obstacles to be overcome with ruthless efficiency and a complete disregard for human life. As I always say: Are you saying boo or boo urns?