Are Trump's Tariffs a Russian Gambit?! You Won't Believe What Happens Next!

Excellent... Or is it?

Bah! These Trump tariffs! It seems that while my esteemed (cough cough) colleagues in America are busy slapping duties left and right Russia of all places has managed to slither away unscathed! Unscathed I say! Almost makes one think Smithers is running the White House. 'Release the hounds,' indeed! But fear not for as Kremlin Press Secretary whats his name told CNBC (a network only slightly less dreadful than MSNBC) even *they* aren't immune to the chaos. Instability you see is like that ghastly union meeting at the power plant – it always comes back to bite you in the backside!

Sanctions? What Sanctions?

Apparently according to some White House mouthpiece the reason Russia was spared is because our… ahem… robust sanctions already preclude "any meaningful trade." Meaningful trade! As if a measly $3 billion in exports is nothing! I've lost more than that in a single afternoon at the Springfield Downs! And don't even get me started on this "Ukraine" business. Honestly can't we just nuke the whole place and be done with it? Where's that blasted doomsday device when you need it?

Market Mayhem: Schadenfreude Supreme

The Russian reaction? A delightful cocktail of 'cool detachment,' 'some concern,' and the sweetest of all flavors: *schadenfreude*! Oh to see the West squirm! It's almost as good as watching the Springfield Isotopes lose another game. Almost. According to analysts (those pesky know it alls) Moscow sees Trump's antics as destabilizing the 'global world order.' Good! Let the world burn! Just as long as my precious nuclear power plant remains standing!

Bipolarity: A Russian Love Story

Now this Anton Barbashin fellow seems to think Russia is better off in a world of 'more pronounced bipolarity.' In other words a good old fashioned Cold War! Ah the memories! Back then I could actually trust my government! (To exploit the working class that is.) Apparently there are two camps in Russia: those who fear a trade war and those who gleefully anticipate the weakening of their rivals. Both valid but only one involves maniacal laughter. And you know how I adore maniacal laughter. It fills my black heart with glee!

Leverage? More Like Lunacy!

Some are suggesting that this tariff exemption is a cunning White House ploy to gain leverage over Moscow in Ukraine peace talks. Leverage! As if anyone could ever outsmart the Russians! It's as absurd as thinking Homer Simpson could operate a nuclear reactor without causing a meltdown! Which incidentally he manages to do on a near daily basis. But don't tell the EPA!

Collateral Damage: Ouch!

The World Trade Organization those blithering idiots warns of a global trade decline! A decline I say! And even if Russia escapes direct fire the collateral damage will be unavoidable especially with oil prices plummeting. And with inflation already running rampant and interest rates sky high Russia's economy is walking on eggshells. It would appear that Mr. Burns's energy empire might be the only safe bet to invest in right now!