Toss a Coin to Your Banker: Lloyds' Profits Suffer a Witcher's Curse (of Trump's Tariffs)

A Griffin's Eye View of the Economic Landscape

Hmph. The world's gone mad hasn't it? Monsters in the forests politicians in the cities… and now even banks are feeling the pinch. Seems Lloyds Banking Group those blokes who lend coin for houses had a bit of a rough quarter. Profits down 7% they say. Blame it on higher costs those pesky 'impairment charges,' and… wait for it… tariffs courtesy of some yank called Trump. Always someone stirring the pot eh? Like a bloody Doppler in a marketplace.

Tariffs: The New Noonwraiths of Finance

This Trump fellow's tariffs apparently are causing more ruckus than a brawl in the Golden Sturgeon. Lloyds had to set aside 100 million pounds because of them. That's a lot of coin even for a Witcher. They claim the economic outlook is more unpredictable than a Witcher's contract. Other banks are whining too about credit quality and loan demand. Reminds me of merchants complaining about drowners in the Pontar. Always something to spoil the ale.

Mortgages: Weighing Silver Against Steel

Lloyds being the biggest mortgage lender in Britain also took a 309 million pound hit including 35 million for 'changes in economic outlook'. Someone should tell them the only thing constant is change. Like a Witcher's hair. Or the price of Gwent cards. But hey at least home loans are up by 4.8 billion pounds. Apparently folks were rushing to grab those loans before some tax break vanished. Smart move. Better to have a roof over your head than be caught out in the rain with a Leshen on your tail.

A Bellwether's Bleat

They call Lloyds a 'bellwether' for the UK economy. A bellwether? Sounds like some fancy breed of sheep. Anyway this William Chalmers fellow (probably never fought a striga) reckons the mortgage growth won't be as strong in the coming months. No surprise there. Things rarely stay good for long. Life's a bitch ain't it? Then you die. Or get turned into a botchling.

Forecasts and Redress Schemes: A Witcher's Guess

Despite all this Lloyds is sticking to their financial forecasts for 2025 and 2026. Optimistic bunch aren't they? Like Vesemir after a bottle of Est Est. They also haven't set aside any more coin for that car loan mis selling thing. Already stashed 1.15 billion pounds for that little debacle. Seems even banks make mistakes. Though I doubt any banker ever accidentally drank a potion that turned them into a giant toad. I hope.

The Price of Progress

Shares dropped a bit but who cares? Stocks and bonds. All smoke and mirrors. Give me a good sword a loyal Roach and a full pouch of coin any day. Still this whole thing's a reminder: the world's a dangerous place even for those sitting atop piles of gold. Now if you'll excuse me I've got a contract to fulfill. Pays in orens. Not some funny paper money.