Wubba Lubba Dub-Dub! Trump's iPhone Tariff Tango: A Rick Sanchez Breakdown

Gravy Train or Pain Train?

Alright Morty listen up. Apparently the squares in Washington are flapping their gums about Apple. Trump's squawking about tariffs and this Kevin Hassett guy—whoever the *burp* he is—is doing damage control saying they don't wanna 'harm' Apple. Harm Apple? Morty they're trying to squeeze blood from a stone like me trying to get sober at a family dinner. It's all a big messy negotiation tactic Morty. Just like that time I tried to negotiate with the Gromflomites for some Szechuan sauce. Spoiler alert: It didn't end well.

25%? More Like 25 Shmeckles!

Trump's tweeting about a 25% tariff on iPhones made outside the US. 25%! That's like what 25 Shmeckles in real money? Look Apple makes their stuff overseas because it's cheaper Morty. Cheaper! It's all about the bottom line baby. Trump wants them to bring manufacturing back to the US which is about as likely as Summer understanding quantum physics. But hey at least he told Tim Cook 'Thank you for your attention to this matter!'. So polite. So passive aggressive. It's beautiful in a train wreck kinda way.

3500 Dollars for an iPhone? Get Schwifty!

Some genius is saying a US made iPhone could cost $3,500! $3,500 Morty! You could buy a portal gun for that much or like a lifetime supply of Fleeb juice. The economy will collapse into a singularity if that happens! We'll all be living in a Mad Max society scavenging for iPhone chargers! Get Schwifty! In here the Iphone costs less then your entire life.

Elastic Supply? More Like Elastic Bullshit!

This Hassett guy is spouting some crap about 'elastic supply' and how Apple will eat the tariffs. Eat the tariffs! Morty these guys are high on their own supply. Companies don't 'eat' costs they pass them on to us the consumers! It's the circle of economic life Morty. A big greasy circle of economic life.

Eat the Tariffs Walmart!

Apparently Trump told Walmart to 'EAT THE TARIFFS'. EAT THEM! Like Walmart's just gonna swallow billions of dollars. It's like telling a black hole to diet Morty. It ain't gonna happen. The whole things makes as much sense as Two Brothers you know the show with Two Brothers.

Apple's Up? Don't Get Your Hopes Up!

Oh and Apple's stock went up 1%? Big whoop! It's a blip Morty. A blip! It's like winning a free Froopyland pass after accidentally destroying an entire planet. The real question is: will they send me a free iPhone or will the government? Because if I have to pay I am opting out of this system. It makes no sense!