Excellent! Discord Sued For Child Safety! Is My Monopoly Next?!

Release the Hounds... of Justice!

Blast it all! It seems that Attorney General Matthew Platkin of New Jersey a name I shall add to my 'enemies' list (Smithers make a note!) has decided to ruffle some feathers – specifically those of the Discord company. Apparently they've been accused of misleading innocent tykes and their clueless parents about safety features on their infernal gaming app. As if children need more distractions! Back in my day we played hopscotch on broken glass and we *liked* it! But I digress. This 'lawsuit' as they call it accuses Discord of violating New Jersey's consumer fraud laws. Honestly I haven't seen such a blatant attempt at… well I don't know what they're trying to do. But it's got me steaming!

Safety Features? More Like Safety 'Feh' tures!

The suit claims Discord was 'obscuring' the risks and failing to enforce the minimum age requirement. Thirteen years old! Why at that age I was already forging documents to secure my first million! These youngsters have it too easy I tell you. But the lawyers claim Discord's actions are 'offensive to public policy.' Well I never! It's hardly as offensive as that time I was accused of blocking out the sun (Smithers remind me to check if those charges were ever dropped). Discord in their infinite naivete disputes the allegations. 'Proud of our continuous efforts,' they say. 'Balderdash!' I say. They're just trying to avoid becoming my next acquisition target... and failing miserably I might add.

Age Verification: A Child's Plaything!

One of the main issues? Apparently these whippersnappers can just *lie* about their age to bypass Discord's minimum age requirement. Unbelievable! I on the other hand have always been scrupulously honest about my age... give or take a century. And this Safe Direct Messaging feature? Apparently it doesn't scan messages between 'friends.' Friends! Who needs those? I've got Smithers and that's one too many. Even with filters enabled children were still exposed to 'child sexual abuse material videos depicting violence or terror and other harmful content.' Honestly what is the world coming to? Back in my day we had good clean wholesome exploitation of the working class! Now get off my lawn!

Civil Penalties? A Mere Pittance!

The Attorney General is seeking 'unspecified civil penalties' against Discord. Unspecified! Ha! As if a few measly dollars will put a dent in their coffers. I'd rather donate to the Springfield Republican Party...and that's saying something. This lawsuit is merely the latest in a long line of attacks from these meddling state attorneys general. It started with Meta then Snap then TikTok. And now Discord. They are all coming after companies that are more successful than them.

A Senate Hearing! My Biggest Fear!

And now the executives from these companies are being grilled by lawmakers in a Senate hearing! Ugh the horror! I would rather endure another audit by the IRS than face those sanctimonious politicians. They'll ask questions like 'Are you exploiting children?' and 'Are you a threat to democracy?' Honestly do they think I have time for such trivialities when I'm trying to corner the market on plutonium and block out the sun for my own personal tanning purposes?

Release the Robotic Richard Simmons!

The FTC also has an antitrust case against Meta. Another example of the government poking its nose where it doesn't belong! When will they learn that meddling in the affairs of us titans of industry only leads to disaster? Well this is all rather tiresome. Smithers prepare my isolation chamber. I need to contemplate my next hostile takeover and concoct a new scheme to avoid paying taxes. And for heaven's sake keep those pesky lawyers away from me!