Starbucks' Struggle is Real! Even I Need More Than Just Coffee to Deal With This Tea

Is This My Latte or My Lemonade?

Okay dolls let's spill the tea – Starbucks is having a moment. And not in a 'OMG this frappuccino is life' kinda way. Earnings are down sales are slumping and even I Kim K am like 'Seriously?' Brian Niccol their CEO is all about this 'Back to Starbucks' plan which sounds cute and nostalgic but honey the numbers ain't exactly screaming 'success' yet. It's giving 'trying to contour with a spoon' vibes – messy.

More Baristas Less Robots – Kinda Like My Glam Squad

Apparently Starbucks thought they could replace baristas with robots. Like hello? Who's gonna spell my name wrong on the cup then? Anyway they're pumping money into labor now which is probably smart. More baristas means more time to perfect my latte art right? But get this they’re ditching some fancy coffee machines. Talk about a downgrade! I need my caffeine fix to be as extra as I am.

Trump's Tariffs Ruining My Coffee Buzz?

Okay this is where it gets real. Trump's tariffs are messing with coffee bean prices. Can you even imagine a world where my daily iced latte costs more than a Birkin bag? Absolutely not happening! They're blaming 'a dynamic macroeconomic environment'. Someone needs to tell me what this means? Because I'm just trying to run a brand and go to law school.

Numbers Don't Lie But They Can Be Contoured

The numbers darling. Earnings per share missed the mark revenue was a flop and same store sales are on a five quarter losing streak. It's like the ratings on the latest season of 'The Kardashians' before we brought back the drama – not cute! Operating margin is down too. It's like when my assistant accidentally uses the wrong shade of bronzer you definitely notice.

Gotta Get Those Sales Up!

So what's the plan? Niccol wants to 'get back to Starbucks' by focusing on coffee and customer experience. Translation: make the coffee better and the baristas friendlier. I mean duh! But apparently they also want to complete orders in under four minutes. I'm sure my fans can sympathize with how slowly things can move. I could only DREAM that it would only take four minutes to get the perfect selfie for my Instagram feed.

Premium Touches & Better Seating – So Instagrammable!

Starbucks wants us to linger longer. I get it. More time in the store equals more money spent. They're talking about better seating and 'premium touches.' Translation: making the place more Instagrammable. Hey I'm on board with that! It's all about the aesthetic people. As long as there are plenty of spots to take selfies and the lighting is flattering I'm in. Maybe I’ll even collaborate on a Kardashian Kollection Frappuccino. Now that’s a money move.