Shopify CEO Says Hail to the King, Baby! AI to Replace Your Job?

Shake It Baby! Shopify Gets Smart

Alright you primitive screwheads listen up! Tobi Lutke the big cheese at Shopify is shaking things up. Word is he wants everyone using AI like it's a freakin' power up! He wants you all to 'Come get some!' of that sweet sweet AI action before you even think about asking for more bodies on the payroll. Sounds like someone's about to get a pink slip... or become obsolete. Your call!

Eat Lead Headcount!

Lutke dropped a memo right? Like some kind of futuristic commandment: 'Thou shalt prove thou cannot use AI before asking for more headcount.' Damn that's cold. He's talking about 'autonomous AI agents' joining the team. I'm picturing robot versions of myself kicking ass and taking names. 'Groovy,' I guess? Just hope they don't start hitting on the babes.

100X the Work? More Like 100X the Pressure!

Apparently some eggheads are already 'reflexively and brilliantly' using AI to get '100X the work done.' 100X?! That's insane! Sounds like a recipe for burnout and exploding heads. Remember kids 'Too much is never enough!'. But for these guys seems like it might be.

Performance Reviews? Time to Kiss Your Ass Goodbye!

Oh and here's the kicker: AI usage will be factored into performance reviews. So now you're not just judged on your skills but on how well you can suck up to the robots. This is straight out of a sci fi flick. Just when you thought you'd seen it all! Maybe I should start oiling my BFG just in case.

Laying Waste to the Competition... and Jobs

Of course all this AI obsession comes with a price. Layoffs! Tech companies are shedding jobs faster than I shed alien blood. Shopify already chopped 14% in 2022 and 20% in 2023. Looks like Lutke's aiming to keep headcount 'relatively flat.' Translation: 'Get ready to hit the bricks pal!' Another fine mess.

High End AI Engineers? More Like High End Headaches

Shopify's CFO says they might hire some 'higher comp high end AI engineers.' So they're replacing a bunch of normal folks with a few super expensive brainiacs. Sounds fair right? It's tough being the King... of getting replaced by code. Time to reload and adapt.