Hail to the King, Baby! Trump's 'One Big Beautiful Bill' Unleashes Fossil Fuel Fury!

Shake It Baby! Trump's Energy Plan Blows Up the Scene!

Alright you primitive screwheads listen up! Duke's here to drop some truth bombs about this 'One Big Beautiful Bill' Trump's been yapping about. Seems like our ex prez is still playing kingmaker but this time it's for the dinosaurs of the energy world: oil gas and coal. He's basically telling solar and wind to 'hail to the king baby!' before blasting them back to the stone age. Sounds like someone's stuck in the past but hey who am I to judge? I still rock a mullet.

Groovy! Fossil Fuels Get a VIP Pass!

So what's this bill actually do? Well it's like giving the oil and gas industry a freakin' golden ticket to Willy Wonka's factory except instead of chocolate rivers they get to drill baby drill on federal lands and waters. Remember when Biden tried to put the brakes on that? Pfft Trump just hit the gas pedal. And get this they're even slashing the royalties these guys pay. It's like they're saying 'Come get some!' Meanwhile the American Petroleum Institute is practically orgasming with joy. 'This bill will be the most transformational legislation that we've seen in decades,' they're saying. Yeah transformative for their wallets maybe.

Come Get Some! Coal Makes a Comeback!

But wait there's more! Coal isn't getting left in the dust either. They're opening up millions of acres for mining cutting royalties and even giving them tax breaks for that 'metallurgical coal' – whatever the hell that is. Sounds like some kind of robot fuel to me. Either way it's clear who the winners are here and it ain't Mother Earth.

Damn I'm Good! Renewables Get the Boot!

Now for the bad news – if you're into that whole 'clean energy' thing. Trump's bill is basically telling solar and wind 'Your ass your face – what's the difference?' They're phasing out tax credits that have been helping these industries grow for decades. I mean since 2005 folks! Apparently Trump doesn't want 'windmills destroying our place' or 'solar things' messing up his view. Talk about a NIMBY! And these were projects to get us away from depending on the Chinese for parts. So much for American made right?

What Are You Waiting For? The Clock Is Ticking!

There's a slight glimmer of hope though. Projects that start construction within 12 months of the bill becoming law can still snag those tax credits. So if you're a solar or wind developer you better get your ass in gear! It's time to kick ass and chew bubblegum… and I'm all outta gum.

Rest in Pieces! The Future of Energy?

So what does this all mean? Well according to the Solar Energy Industries Association this bill 'undermines the very foundation of America's manufacturing comeback and global energy leadership.' Pretty harsh words even for me. But hey at least we'll have plenty of cheap gas for my monster truck. Now if you'll excuse me I've got some aliens to frag. Duke Nukem out!