Hertz Just Got a Whole Lot Hail to the King, Baby!

Hail to the King Baby!

Alright you primitive screwheads listen up! Duke Nukem here reporting live from the front lines of the business world. Turns out Hertz yeah the rental car company that went tits up faster than my last relationship is making headlines. Their CEO some dude named Gil West is all kinds of hyped because some Wall Street fat cat named Bill Ackman just threw a mountain of cash their way. 'I live to kick ass!' and it seems like Hertz might just get another chance to do the same.

Ackman's Got Balls of Steel!

This Ackman fella he's got bigger balls than I do after a night with the babes. He snagged almost 20% of Hertz making him their second biggest sugar daddy. Apparently West is 'encouraged' and 'energized.' Hell if someone dropped a few million in my lap I'd be doing cartwheels too. 'Come get some!' of this sweet sweet investment.

Hertz's Wild Ride: From Zero to (Maybe) Hero

Let's not forget Hertz has been through more crap than a porta potty at a chili cook off. They went bankrupt during the 'rona then made a dumbass bet on electric cars that backfired faster than a cheap Chinese firecracker. They lost billions on those Teslas! Now they're trying to get back to basics. Sounds like they need more than just a 'Hail to the king baby!' they need a miracle.

Back to Basics: Is it Enough?

West is all about 'disciplined fleet rotation' and hitting some fancy metrics. Sounds like accounting mumbo jumbo to me. But hey if it keeps the lights on and the wheels turning I'm all for it. They better focus on the 'Get bit!' part of getting back to basics or it's game over.

Duke's Take: Don't Screw It Up!

Look I'm no financial guru but I know a good comeback story when I see one. Hertz has a chance to redeem themselves but they need to play their cards right. No more stupid bets on electric cars. Just give the people what they want: gas guzzling freedom on four wheels! As I always say 'My kind of town'.

Time to Kick Ass...and Drive!

So will Hertz pull a Duke Nukem and save the day? Only time will tell. But with Ackman's cash and West's newfound energy they might just have a fighting chance. Just remember Hertz: 'I'm here to kick ass and chew bubblegum...and I'm all out of gum.' Now get out there and make it happen!