Say Hello To My Little Lounge: United's Polaris Gets A Fat Upgrade!

First You Get The Money Then You Get The Lounge!

Alright listen up you punks! United Airlines those pencil pushers they just pimped out their Polaris lounge in Chicago. Twenty five thousand square feet huh? That's almost as big as my friggin' mansion! They got Crate & Barrel furniture probably cost more than your whole damn house. This ain't no refugee camp this is for the big boys the ones who fly in style. And let me tell you style is everything. Remember that you cockroaches!

A Two Tier System? I Like It. It's Called 'Respect'!

So now they got this two tiered system huh? Polaris for the big spenders and the regular United Clubs for the... well you know. The riff raff. Good! That's how it should be. You want the good stuff? You gotta pay! Just like in life. You want respect? You gotta earn it. You want the best blow? You gotta know the right people. It's all the same see?

Premium is King: Bookings in the Back are Light!

These airlines know what's up: premium is king! The cheap seats are empty. These are good news for me because people with money spend money. What's mine is theirs but what is theirs is mine!

Speakeasy Style? Now We're Talking!

They got a second 'speakeasy style' bar? What is this the Roaring Twenties? I like it! A little bit of mystery a little bit of danger... that's what life is all about. Maybe I should open up my own bar. Call it 'Little Friend' or something. It would be the best bar this country has ever seen!

Newark and Denver? More Places to Park My Ass!

They're expanding to Newark and maybe even Denver? Good! More places for me to relax between deals. Maybe I'll even invest in this United thing. Imagine Tony Montana airline mogul! I could rename it 'Montana Air'! You think I'm kidding? Say hello to my little airline!

Grab and Go Lounges? For Time Pressed Travelers!

Grab and go lounges? For time pressed travelers? These guys think of everything! They know time is money. In this country you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money you get the power. Then when you get the power then you get the women.