Uber's Rollercoaster: Profits Up, Revenue Down, and Robotaxis Take Over! Giggity!

Holy Crap! Uber's Makin' Bank (Sort Of)

Alright alright alright! So Uber right? They just dropped their report for the first three months of 2025. Now listen up 'cause this is important... maybe. They made more money than the smarty pants analysts thought they would like 83 cents a share compared to the expected 50 cents! BOOM! But here's the thing... they didn't make AS MUCH money as everyone THOUGHT they would. Like when I thought I could eat 50 hotdogs but I tapped out at 40. Disappointment all around. The stock market got all sad and shares dropped. Like Lois when I spend all our money on beer. Sad times man.

From Loser to Winner? Uber's Redemption Arc

Okay so get this: Uber actually made a profit this time! Like a real profit! They're talking about $1.78 BILLION. Which according to Stewie isn't enough to buy the moon but it's still a lot of clams. Last year they lost money big time – like when I tried to start a brewery in my basement. So they're doing something right I guess. Maybe they stopped letting me drive. Probably for the best eh?

FTC's Got Beef with Uber One? Sounds Like a Stewie Plot

So the government or the “Feds” as Joe Swanson calls them are coming after Uber for sneaky stuff with their Uber One subscription. Apparently people are signing up without knowing it or can't cancel. It's like that time I accidentally signed up for a lifetime supply of toenail clippers! The CEO of Uber Dara Khosrowshahi is all like 'No way it's super easy to cancel! Go try it!' Sounds like a challenge to me! I wonder if they deliver Pawtucket Patriot Ale?

Ride Hailing and Food Delivery: Uber's Bread and Butter (and Gravy!)

Alright so the real money makers for Uber are still getting you from point A to point B and bringing you those sweet sweet chicken nuggets. The number of rides and deliveries are up which means more people are lazy and reliant on technology just like me! And get this they got 170 million people using the app every month. That's like almost as many people as showed up to see me arm wrestle Cleveland! Almost.

Get Back to the Office! Or Else! (Says Uber)

Uber's making their employees come back to the office more often. Apparently working in pajamas isn't cutting it anymore. And they're making it harder to take those long fancy vacations. I bet they're gonna start drug testing next. Wait are we still talking about Uber? Huh seemed like it would have been a natural segue for something else. Like that time...

Robotaxis Are Coming to Get You! (But Hopefully Not Me)

Now here's the kicker! Uber's all about robotaxis now! Apparently they see it as the future. Like that time I thought Quagmire’s van was the future… Anyway they're testing them out in some cities and apparently they're doing pretty well. Before you know it Skynet will be ordering burgers on Uber Eats. Giggity! They're working with all sorts of companies to make this happen. Autonomous trucks robotaxis… it's like a sci fi movie but with more surge pricing.