Holy Crap Lois! Southwest Airlines is Charging for Bags Now?!

Giggity Giggity No More Free Bags!

Alright alright alright! So Southwest Airlines right? The airline that was like that one friend who always let you crash on their couch? Well they're changing! Starting Wednesday they're charging for checked bags. Can you believe it Lois? It's like finding out that the Drunken Clam is charging for beer! What is this world coming to?!

Aww Crap Here We Go Again...

Apparently these big shot executives at Southwest they've been feeling the pressure see? All the other airlines are raking in dough with these bag fees – like $7.3 BILLION last year! That's enough to buy a lifetime supply of beer nuts! So they caved. They're joining the dark side Lois! It's like when I tried to be a supervillain only less successful and with fewer explosions... mostly.

What Else Are They Messing With?!

But wait there's more! They're not just charging for bags they're getting rid of open seating too! Remember when we could all rush the plane like it was Black Friday at the Quahog Wal Mart? Gone! And they're bringing in 'basic economy' tickets which I'm guessing means they'll make you sit on the wing. It's like they're trying to squeeze every last dollar out of us! I swear this is worse than the time I accidentally became a member of the Ku Klux Klan.

The Fine Print Because There's Always Fine Print

Okay so if you bought your tickets BEFORE Wednesday you're safe. You still get your two free bags. But if you're buying them now kiss those free bags goodbye. Unless of course you're some fancy pants with 'Rapid Rewards' status or a credit card that costs more than my car. Seriously who pays $199 a year for a credit card? That's enough to buy like 2000 chicken wings!

Basic Economy? More Like Basic Nightmare!

Oh and get this! The 'Basic' fare? You can't change your tickets you board last (meaning you're stuck in the middle seat next to a guy clipping his toenails) and your fare credits expire faster than my patience at a Star Wars convention. And they're getting rid of the 'Wanna Get Away' fare! Seriously who comes up with these names? It sounds like a rejected Ben Affleck movie!

Will This Plane Even Take Off?

Southwest thinks everyone's going to start cramming their stuff into carry ons. They're putting in bigger overhead bins which is good I guess. And they're giving the staff mobile bag tag printers. But honestly this whole thing smells like a disaster waiting to happen. People are already furious! Even babies and puppies can't save them on social media. All I know is I'm stocking up on travel sized bottles of shampoo because I ain't paying for NO CHECKED BAGS! Giggity!