Giggity! Clear Security Wants to Be Everywhere, Like My Need for More Chicken Fights!

From Airport Lines to My TV Lines!?

Alright so apparently this company called Clear you know the ones that let you zoom through airport security like I zoom to the fridge when Lois makes meatloaf wants to be EVERYWHERE. Caryn Seidman Becker the head honcho wants Clear to be used not just when you're trying to escape Quahog for a vacation but like 12 times a day! What is this a dystopian future where I have to scan my eyeballs to get a beer at The Drunken Clam? Giggity!

Sign on the Dotted...Eyeball?

So get this they're going after notaries. Notaries! Those guys with the stamps and the serious faces. Apparently in this post COVID world everyone's signing stuff online and nobody knows if it's really them. That's where Clear comes in with their biometric mumbo jumbo. They even teamed up with Docusign! Now I can finally sign my name on that restraining order from the brewery with the giant inflatable beer bottle...securely!

Criminals Logging On Not Hacking On!?

Seidman Becker says criminals are now 'logging on' instead of 'hacking on.' I don't know what's scarier a guy in a black hoodie typing furiously or some dude in a suit pretending to be someone he's not. She said people are faking their identities to get jobs! That's almost as bad as when I pretended to be a dog to get out of jury duty. Almost. Good thing I only had to bark for an hour.

Uber Okta and the Quest for Authenticity (and Maybe a Ride Home After Too Many Pawtucket Patriot Ales)

Uber's using Clear for rider verification. I guess that's good so you don't end up in the back of a car with Cleveland. They're also working with some company called Okta which sounds like a type of pasta but it's actually about online security. Look at me talking about cybersecurity like I know what I'm talking about! This is just like that time I pretended to be an art critic! Classic Peter.

Deepfakes Job Interviews and the End of the World As We Know It! (And I Feel Fine)

They're even getting into hiring! Apparently up to 25% of job applicants could be fake by 2028 all thanks to deepfakes. Deepfakes! Remember that time Brian showed me that deepfake of Lois singing heavy metal? I couldn't sleep for a week! So Clear wants to make sure you're hiring the right person not some CGI creation. Which is good I guess unless that CGI creation can do my job better than me.

Embrace Change or Become the Next Blockbuster!

Seidman Becker says you gotta 'embrace change,' otherwise you'll end up like Blockbuster. Blockbuster! Remember those places? It was like a video store but with more regret. She says it's her job to look forward like how the iPod became the iPhone. I tell you the only change I embrace is when Lois changes her mind about making broccoli casserole. That's a win win for everyone.