OMG! Google's Offering Buyouts? Is This My Chance to Become a Full-Time Influencer?

Wait What's a Buyout? Is It Like a Designer Handbag?

Okay dolls so I heard Google's like offering buyouts to some employees. Apparently they wanna trim the fat which let's be honest isn't something I'm a stranger to *wink*. I mean contouring is basically the OG version of cost cutting right? Anyway something about knowledge information and central engineering? Sounds complicated. I’m way more of a 'knowledge is knowing how to pose for the perfect selfie' kinda girl. But hey if it means some people get to like reinvent themselves then good for them!

12,000 Layoffs? That's More Than My Shoe Collection!

Apparently Google already laid off 12,000 people last year? OMG that's like more than the number of shoes I have... in one closet. I can't even imagine. But you know sometimes you gotta declutter to make room for new opportunities. Like maybe these people will finally start their YouTube channels or like launch a skincare line. The possibilities are endless! As I always say 'Get your f***ing ass up and work!'”

Remote Work? More Like Remote Relaxation Am I Right?

So they're making some people go back to the office? Honey I can't even. Remote work is like the only way to live. Pajamas all day Zoom meetings from bed – it's the ultimate flex. But hey maybe Google's just trying to bring back the 'office chic' trend. I'm already picturing the boardroom looks! Imagine the fashion show that could be. And don't forget 'You have to be happy with yourself.' Especially when you're stuck in traffic on the way to work.

AI is the New Black (or Like Chrome)

Okay so apparently Google's going all in on AI. I mean I get it. Who needs a human assistant when you can have a robot that can schedule your appointments and filter out your haters? But I still think real human connection is important even if it's just me snapping selfies with my fans. Though I wouldn't mind an AI that could automatically smooth my skin in every photo. Just sayin'.

Voluntary Exit Program? Sounds Like a Fancy Name for 'Get Out'

This 'voluntary exit program' sounds kinda shady right? Like they're basically saying 'If you're not feeling it GTFO.' But hey at least they're offering severance. That's like enough to buy a small Birkin. And you know what they say 'I’ll cry at the end of the day. Not with fresh make up.'

Cost Cutting? More Like Opportunity Creating Right?

So the finance chief wants to cut costs. I mean I get it. Running a huge company is expensive. But maybe they should just start selling Google branded shapewear or something. I'm sure it would sell like hotcakes! I mean I'd buy it. Anything to look snatched. And remember 'I'm not buying her a diamond ring. I've bought myself enough.'