Hail to the King, Baby! Microsoft's AI Gambit Blows the Roof Off!

Damn They Looked Good!

Alright you primitive screwheads listen up! Duke Nukem here reporting live from the front lines of the tech wars. And let me tell you Microsoft just kicked some serious ass! Their shares went up 7.6% Thursday. That's like finding a whole stash of bubblegum in a post apocalyptic wasteland! They haven't seen a day like this since November 2022! Those numbers are bigger than my biceps after a protein shake!

Come Get Some... Cloud Growth!

Azure Microsoft's cloud thingy is on fire! We're talking 33% growth baby! And guess what's fueling the flames? Artificial intelligence. Microsoft says AI is responsible for 16 points of that growth. Eat your heart out Skynet! Even those nerdy analysts at StreetAccount and CNBC were impressed and they’re about as excitable as a room full of accountants doing taxes. It looks like Azure is back in 'beat/raise' mode whatever that is! Sounds kinky...

Hail to the King AI Baby!

Some egghead from Evercore ISI named Kirk Materne said something about the 'macro environment' being a 'wild card'. What EVER! All you need to know is that everyone wants AI on Azure. And Microsoft has the infrastructure to make it happen. They're building the digital skyscrapers that will house the future! Me? I'm more of a penthouse suite kind of guy.

Nobody Steals Our Chickens!

Last quarter Azure wasn't as impressive. But this time they're predicting even more growth. 34% to 35% to be exact! Those pencil pushers at StreetAccount were only expecting 31.5%. Sucks to be them! Microsoft is making more money than I do after a successful alien hunt. We're talking $70.07 billion in revenue a 13% increase over last year! Damn I wish I had that kind of cash to spend on cigars and babes!

Shake It Baby!

Net income also went up 18% to $25.8 billion. That's $2.94 per share! Microsoft thinks they'll make even more this quarter between $73.15 billion and $74.25 billion. All this good news is making investors forget about whatever Trump is doing with those tariffs. Microsoft is still spending a lot of money on AI trying to beat the other big companies. Capex excluding finance leases grew 53% to $16.75 billion. I might need to invest! "It's time to kick ass and chew bubblegum... and I'm all outta gum."

I'm Looking Good!

Some other smart guy named Keith Weiss from Morgan Stanley said Microsoft is ready to profit from all this AI stuff. Dan Flax from CNBC agrees saying Microsoft can handle even tough times. As usual Duke Nukem is not surprised “Rest in pieces”. So there you have it! Microsoft is winning big in the tech world. And that's the bottom line because Duke Nukem said so!