Hail to the King, Baby! Bitcoin Gets Nuked!

Groovy a Crypto Crash!

Alright you primitive screwheads listen up! Bitcoin took a nosedive lower than my last date after she saw my ride. Dropped to its lowest since May below $99,000! Turns out when the Middle East gets hotter than a two dollar pistol and inflation starts breathing down your neck even digital coins start sweating. Time to kick ass and chew bubblegum... and I'm all outta gum but its always a good time to kick ass!

Iran's Got Oil? I Got Balls of Steel!

So word on the street is Iran's threatening to shut down the Strait of Hormuz. Apparently that's where a fifth of the world's oil cruises through. JPMorgan's saying that could send oil prices higher than my ego – like $130 a barrel! Now that is some serious damage Duke style. Hope they are ready to get nuked!

Inflation's Back? Come Get Some!

If oil prices jump higher than me after a power up inflation might crawl back to 5%. Haven't seen that since the Fed was busier than a one legged cat in a sandbox raising rates. Traders are bailing on crypto faster than I bail on a bad joke.

Bitcoin's Behaving Like a Tech Bimbo!

Bitcoin's supposed to be an inflation hedge but right now it's acting like a high beta tech stock. According to some nerds at Kaiko it's buddy buddy with the Nasdaq. Used to be different but now it is all about cash flow.

ETF Inflows Turn Into Outflows: No way!

Last week Bitcoin ETFs were swimming in cash. But as soon as Trump split from some G7 thing and there was a review with Iran those inflows dried up faster than a stripper's tears. Talk about a buzzkill!

Liquidated Positions: They Lied!

The technical charts showed Bitcoin's dip triggered some serious forced selling on platforms like Binance and Bybit. Over a billion in crypto positions got vaporized! Most of those were long bets showing just how many suckers were overexposed. Now that sucks to be them... I pity those bastards!