HPE Stock Soars Thanks to Elliott! What Would Duke Do?

Hail to the King Baby... and Elliott!

Alright listen up you corporate types. I heard some pencil pushing buzz about Hewlett Packard Enterprise. Seems like some moneybags named Elliott Investment Management dropped a cool $1.5 billion on HPE stock. Now that's what I call coming in strong! HPE's stock jumped nearly 5% which let's be honest is less impressive than my vertical leap but hey progress is progress. They must be hoping this helps them come up with a better name I mean Hewlett Packard Enterprise? Sounds like something some alien babes would yell when they see me but sure isn't going to help their company.

Show Me the Money... or at Least Better Shareholder Value

This Elliott character wants to 'engage' with HPE. Yeah that's what I do with alien scum—engage them... with my size 13 boot! Seriously though they're looking to boost shareholder value. HPE word to the wise: when you're down a fourth in value this year you need a kick in the pants. Maybe they should hire me to 'engage' with the competition. I'd leave 'em saying 'I'm gonna live forever!'... in a hospital bed.

Discounting? Price Adjustments? Sounds Like a Job for Duke!

HPE is whining about higher discounting and price adjustments. Come on guys! That's like blaming your shotgun for a bad aim. You gotta adapt! I've dealt with shrinking ray guns exploding toilets and alien overlords and I still find a way to come out on top. Maybe they should try selling more firepower and less printer ink. They can always come to me for business advise after all I have plenty of experience taking down aliens.

Been There Nuked That: Elliott's History of Mayhem

This Elliott crew has history you say? They've poked and prodded Salesforce Southwest Airlines and Starbucks? Sounds like a bunch of boardroom brawlers to me. They even stuck their nose in Aspen Technology's business. I respect that. Sometimes you gotta kick some ass to get results. Just ask the Pig Cops. I can only assume it's their version of hiring me to take care of business.

Justice League vs. Juniper Networks: Duke's Take

HPE wants to buy Juniper Networks for $14 billion but the U.S. Department of Justice is playing hall monitor. Bunch of buzzkills! I say let 'em duke it out figuratively speaking of course (or maybe not). I never let red tape slow me down. If some government stooge tried to stop me from saving the world I'd just say 'Don't have time to play with myself!' and blast right through. This sounds like a bunch of crap I don't have time for but I do have time to blow things up!

Time to Kill

Well that's the news from my perspective. Elliott's in HPE's hoping and I'm here to remind everyone that the only thing better than a good stock tip is a smoking gun. And remember what the King always says: 'I'm here to kick ass and chew bubble gum... and I'm all outta gum.' Now if you'll excuse me I've got some alien babes to rescue.