Zuckerberg's Zuck-cess: Meta Soars Despite Tariff Terrors!

Meta's Big Flex: Gains Despite the Gains!

Alright alright alright chat. Let's talk about money! Meta yeah the Facebook people just dropped their earnings and holy hell did they deliver. The stock jumped like it was trying to dodge my takes on Diablo Immortal! Turns out even with the world lookin' like a dumpster fire their ad game is STRONG. Stronger than my need for Mountain Dew on a 12 hour stream. Citi's Ronald Josey said their ad trends are healthy and honestly who am I to argue with Citi? I just buy gold in video games.

Numbers Go Up: The Only Metric That Matters

The numbers man the numbers! First quarter revenues up 16% to $42.31 billion. That's more money than I've made in my entire LIFE! And earnings? $6.43 per share! Analysts were expecting $5.28. That's like expecting a white item to drop and getting a GOD ROLL! Net income jumped 35%! 35 PERCENT! That's insane! Even their guidance is lookin' good. Meta's finance chief Susan Li expects sales to be between $42.5 billion and $45.5 billion. It is what it is.

Zuckerberg's Zen: Navigating the Macro Mess

Zuck himself bless his heart is out there reassuring everyone that they're 'well positioned to navigate the macroeconomic uncertainty.' That's corporate speak for 'We got this don't worry your pretty little heads.' But seriously even with Trump's tariff talk spooking everyone Meta's still crushin' it. Snap and Google are whinin' about headwinds but Meta's just out here building their empire. It's all about the content baby! And the algorithm I guess.

Ad pocalypse Averted (For Now)

Speaking of ads their advertising revenue for the first quarter came in at $41.39 billion! Wall Street was expecting $40.44 billion. Another win! But Li did mention some reduced spending from Asia based e commerce exporters because of some trade loophole closing. So maybe not all sunshine and rainbows. But still not bad. Not bad at all.

AI to the Rescue! (Maybe)

Barclays analyst Ross Sandler thinks Meta's AI investments are gonna keep them ahead of the curve. And you know what? He's probably right. AI is the future whether we like it or not. It's like transmog you may think it is useless but it makes you look good while getting your a** carried by the AI so you should use it. Meta's also upping their capital expenditures to between $64 billion and $72 billion for more data center investments in AI. That's a LOTTA LOOT!

Dodgeball Champions: Meta Dodges Disaster

Bernstein's Mark Shmulik called the spending hike a 'bold strategy' but called Meta the 'safest and most exciting dodgeball team around.' And JPMorgan's Doug Anmuth thinks they're well positioned for a tougher macro environment because of their scaled advertiser base. So there you have it chat. Meta is printing money investing in AI and dodging economic bullets like they're Neo in The Matrix. Guess I'll just keep ranting about Blizzard.