P&G's Layoffpalooza: 7,000 Jobs Vaporized Thanks to Trump's Tariff Tantrums

Oh Great Another Corporate Meltdown

Alright alright settle down you infinite realities of economic doom. So Procter & Gamble – you know the guys who bring you the joys of Pampers Tide and that Swiffer thingy your mom loves – are chopping 7,000 jobs. Yep that’s 15% of their non factory folks getting the ol' 'wubba lubba dub dub' treatment... which in this case means they're screwed.

Blame it on the Orange One

Turns out these 'Trump Tariffs' – and Morty before you ask no they're not some new reality TV show – are making things expensive for P&G. They gotta raise prices which means sales go down and then… boom! Layoffs. It's a classic 'domino effect' scenario Morty. Except the dominoes are people's livelihoods. This is why I stick to interdimensional trading; much less bureaucracy more squanch.

CFO's Got the Blues (and a Spreadsheet)

Andre Schulten P&G's CFO – basically the guy in charge of the Galactic Federation's equivalent of pocket lint – announced this during some Deutsche Bank conference. I bet the hors d'oeuvres were terrible. Anyway P&G is trying to 'reevaluate its portfolio' and 'restructure its supply chain.' Translation? They're rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic while simultaneously trying to find a portal gun to escape to a dimension where tariffs don't exist. Which spoiler alert Morty: doesn't exist.

The Bottom Line: Ouch

P&G is bracing for a $600 million headwind from tariffs. That's a lot of Szechuan sauce money Morty! They're talking about exiting brands and markets. So say goodbye to your favorite obscure brand of detergent from some country you've never heard of. Also expect them to charge you more for everything else. Because capitalism Morty. It's a real 'lick lick lick my balls' kind of system.

Joining the Layoff Party

P&G is not alone Morty. Microsoft and Starbucks are also handing out pink slips like they're going out of style. The job market might be slowing down. You know just in time for the next interdimensional crisis. Coincidence? I think NOT! The government's trying to keep tabs on it with their fancy reports but honestly who trusts the government? I mean they're basically the Galactic Federation in disguise.

Stock Market Shenanigans

Predictably P&G's stock took a nosedive. I mean not as dramatic as when I accidentally destabilized the interdimensional stock exchange with a rogue fart but still not good. The market is volatile Morty and investing is basically just gambling with extra steps. Just stick to plumbus futures Morty. Those things are always in demand. Get Schwifty!