Holy Crap Lois! Starbucks is Broke-er Than Peter's Bar Tab!

Eh What's Up Doc? Starbucks Loses Money!

Alright alright alright! So apparently Starbucks that place where Lois likes to drag me for 'quality time,' is having a bit of a boo boo. They say their earnings are worse than my attempts at being a responsible adult. Turns out people aren't buying enough overpriced coffee... or maybe they're finally realizing they can just make it at home and add a shot of whiskey. Just a thought! According to CEO Brian 'Niccolini' or whatever his name is they've got a plan called "Back to Starbucks." Sounds like something Cleveland would come up with.

More Workers? You Mean More People to Mess Up My Order?

So they're saying they're investing in more employees. More baristas! Oh great more chances for them to misspell my name. Last time I ended up with "Peeeeeder" on my cup. Peeeeeder! Like I'm some kind of creep! And get this they're SLOWING DOWN on the fancy machines. Seems like they realized people like people even if those people can't spell. It’s like when I tried to build a robot butler – Mort Goldman ended up being more efficient.

Trump's Tariffs? Sounds Like a New Reality Show!

Oh and guess who's messing things up? Trump! Apparently his tariffs are making coffee beans more expensive. See this is why I stick to Pawtucket Patriot Ale. You don't see tariffs on THAT do you? It's like that time I tried to negotiate a trade deal with Stewie for his time machine…didn’t end well.

Numbers Numbers Who Needs 'Em? (Okay Maybe Starbucks)

The article throws a bunch of numbers at you but all you need to know is they made less money than they thought they would. It's like when I bet on the Patriots and they choked in the last quarter. Except this is about coffee not sweet sweet victory and a pile of cash. Revenue was like $8.76 billion not that I know what a billion is. Is that more than a million? I should ask Quagmire; he probably knows about billions... Giggity!

Get Back Get Back to Where You Once Belong (and Buy More Coffee!)

The guy in charge Niccolini is trying to get them back to basics. You know coffee customer service the things that made them famous before they started selling weird unicorn frappuccinos. He wants to get every order done in under four minutes. Four minutes! That's longer than it takes me to eat a whole plate of chicken wings. Seriously though if I'm waiting longer than four minutes for my coffee someone's getting a knuckle sandwich. And not the delicious kind Lois makes.

Fancy Chairs? Is This a Trap?

They're planning on making the places nicer. Comfy chairs fancy decorations all that jazz. Sounds like a trap! They want me to stay longer so I'll buy more coffee. Nice try Starbucks. I'm onto you. I'm not falling for that again like that time I thought I was getting free beer at the Drunken Clam and then they hit me with the tab! D'oh!