Holy Crap Lois! Germany's Mad at Amazon Like I'm Mad at Giant Chicken!

What the Deuce is Going On?

Alright so picture this: I'm trying to sell my World War II memorabilia (don't ask how I got it Lois!) on Amazon and suddenly these German fellas in suits are yelling about 'non transparent marketplace rules.' Turns out they're not happy with how Amazon's messing with prices for us small time sellers. It's like when Mr. Washee Washee tried to undercut my clams! Total bamboozle!

Amazon's Secret Sauce: Algorithms and Witchcraft?

Apparently Amazon uses these fancy computer whatevers – algorithms they call 'em – to decide if my prices are too high. Too high?! I'm just trying to make a buck Lois! If they think my prices are too high they bury my stuff in the search results. It's like when I tried to hide the evidence after accidentally setting the Quahog library on fire... didn't work then ain't working for the little guy now!

The Buy Box: More Like a Trap Box!

They're also messing with something called the 'buy box.' Sounds kinda kinky right? But no it's just the thing that pops up first when someone wants to buy something. If Amazon doesn't like your price they kick you out of the buy box. It's like when I got kicked out of the Drunken Clam for trying to pay with Monopoly money. Not cool Amazon not cool!

Germans Gone Wild!

This Andreas Mundt fella who's apparently the big cheese at the Federal Cartel Office says Amazon's rules are messing with competition. He says it's 'fundamentally questionable.' Sounds like something Herbert would say after seeing Stewie in a speedo. Giggity!

Amazon's Shady Response

Amazon's all like 'We disagree! It'll be bad for customers!' Yeah right. That's what Dr. Hartman said when I asked him to prescribe me candy corn for my 'condition.' They're just trying to protect their own gravy train Lois. You know like when I pretended to be disabled to get better parking. Good times!

The Future is Uncertain... Like My Next Hair Brained Scheme!

So now Amazon has to tell the Germans why they're not playing fair. And the Americans are also poking around. This could get messy Lois messier than that time I tried to make sushi with roadkill. But hey maybe it'll mean cheaper stuff for me. Giggity!