Excellent! Starbucks Profits Soar, Just As I Predicted (And Deserved)

Burns Approves!

Bah! As if I C. Montgomery Burns haven't seen this coming. That nincompoop Schultz may have been flailing about like a newborn giraffe but *I* knew that a return to basics would send those Starbucks profits soaring! Apparently Schultz himself did a 'cartwheel' upon hearing about this new strategy. A cartwheel! The man's practically ancient. I'd sooner see Smithers do a tap dance on broken glass.

A New Broom Sweeps Clean or Does It?

This new CEO Niccol seems to be a competent sort. Though frankly anyone would be an improvement over that Laxman fellow. Schultz's 'handpicked successor,' they called him! Ha! More like 'handpicked failure.' But Niccol yes he's got that glint in his eye... the glint of a man who knows how to squeeze every last penny out of the working class. Good good.

Shares Soar Burns Rejoices (Quietly Of Course)

Since this 'back to Starbucks' nonsense began the stock has climbed nearly 20%! Twenty percent! I haven't seen returns like that since I invested in that Peruvian postage stamp company. Of course a rising tide lifts all boats but *my* yacht is considerably larger than yours wouldn't you agree? And this new leader is also focusing the marketing on coffee not discounts. Finally someone with some sense. Who needs discounts when you can just raise prices?

Culture Clash!?

Culture you say? Bah! I've seen cultures come and go. Hippie culture disco culture the culture of being obsequious to C. Montgomery Burns... they all fade in time. But Schultz seems to think that this is important whatever. Honestly as long as the profits keep rolling in and the caffeine addicts keep lining up I couldn't care less if they're brewing it with yak's milk and serving it in rusty cans! Frankly I was more concerned that the company uphold the culture of me getting free coffee at every store!

Schultz's Two Cents (Which I'll Happily Take)

Apparently Schultz was blathering on about mobile ordering and premium drinks and other such nonsense. Honestly does it matter? People will drink whatever swill you put in front of them as long as it's got enough caffeine and sugar! But he had a point the company's culture was failing. I bet they weren't honoring me enough!

Excellent... Simply Excellent

In conclusion things are looking up for Starbucks which in turn is looking up for *me*. My stock options are flourishing the caffeine addicted masses are lining up and Smithers is still fetching me my morning coffee lukewarm and without sugar just the way I like it. Excellent!