Excellent! Constellation Brands' Beer Sales Tank Thanks To Trump! (And Maybe You)

A Paltry Sum! Earnings Miss By Jove!

Blast those wretched analysts! Constellation Brands purveyors of the swill that passes for 'beer' these days has reported earnings and revenue that to put it mildly were an utter disappointment. A paltry $3.22 per share when $3.31 was expected! Revenue? A measly $2.52 billion against a projected $2.55 billion! At this rate I'll be forced to sell one of my lesser known Faberge eggs. Disgraceful!

Trump's Folly and My Bottom Line

That blithering idiot Trump and his tariffs on aluminum! It's like that time I tried to corner the lemon market – utter chaos! These tariffs you see are impacting the cost of… *shudders*… canned beer. As if anyone with a shred of dignity drinks beer from a CAN! Nevertheless this foolishness has directly affected Constellation's bottom line. And what affects *their* bottom line eventually affects *mine*! Bah humbug!

Blame the Hispanics! Er Wait...

Now CEO Bill Newlands a man clearly lacking in spine initially blamed the Hispanic community for buying less of their… 'beer.' Apparently they're terrified of Trump's immigration policies. But then he backpedaled claiming all shoppers are simply concerned about higher prices. Typical executive babble! If you ask me it's the younger generation's fault. They're always on their infernal devices not supporting the local brewery like they should! Release the hounds!

Modelo Especial? More Like 'Modelo Espécialement Terrible!'

Constellation boasts that Modelo Especial has surpassed Bud Light as the top selling beer brand. What a sad commentary on the state of modern society! I wouldn't serve that swill to my worst enemy… well maybe I would. Smithers remind me to order a case for Milhouse. He's been getting a bit too uppity lately.

Fiscal Forecast? More Like 'Fiscal Farce!'

They dare to project earnings per share of $12.60 to $12.90 for fiscal 2026? Poppycock! At this rate they'll be lucky to afford the electricity to keep their refrigerators running. And a decline or rise of 2%? Please spare me the details. If I wanted to watch a company stagnate I'd stare at my collection of rare and valuable stamps. They never change!

The Burns Prognosis: Profit or Be Gone!

The answer is simple. Constellation Brands needs to understand what a true capitalist would do! Either adapt and overcome like a cunning fox or get out! Smithers remind me to look into acquiring a controlling share. If they are losing money I can take it off of their hands. I will turn this company around even if I have to sell beer made with my own tears! Profit or be gone!