Holy Crap Lois! Iran and Israel are at it Again! This is Worse Than the Time I Tried to Deep Fry a Turkey!

Freakin' Sweet! Another War?

Alright alright settle down you bunch of clam chowder heads! Peter Griffin here your favorite newsman reporting live from… my couch. Apparently Iran and Israel are having a bit of a tiff. Seems like they're chucking missiles at each other like Stewie throws his toys. And let me tell you Stewie's got a mean throwing arm! It all started when Israel dinged Iran and now Iran's all like 'Oh it's on!' hitting back at Tel Aviv Jerusalem and even Haifa – which according to reports includes a refinery. Now I'm no expert but I'm pretty sure blowing up refineries is bad m'kay?

Iron Dome vs. Innovative Methods: Sounds Like a Cartoon!

So Israel's got this fancy thing called the Iron Dome which is supposed to stop all the missiles kinda like how I'm supposed to stop eating all the chips but hey sometimes things slip through the cracks right? But Iran they’re saying they used 'innovative methods' to confuse the Iron Dome. Innovative? Is that like when I tried to use a rubber chicken to fix the car? Didn't work out so well. Anyway Israel claims they've got 'full aerial superiority' now. Sounds like a job for… Superman! Or maybe just Quagmire. Giggity.

Show Me the Money (and the Oil)!

Now here's the part where it gets real: the money! All this fighting is messing with the oil prices. Apparently if Iran and Israel keep going at it the oil supply could get all messed up and then where will we be? Back to horse drawn carriages? I shudder at the thought! Oil's up then it's down then it's doing the Hokey Pokey that's what it's all about! Meanwhile gold that shiny stuff that Mr. T loves is also doing the cha cha. Markets are all over the place like me trying to assemble IKEA furniture after a six pack.

The U.S. of A... Gonna Get Involved?

So what's Uncle Sam gonna do about all this? Well that's the million dollar question ain't it? They're pals with Israel but they also had that whole nuclear deal thingy with Iran that went kaput. And now Trump is saying no to killing the Iran leader? This is getting more complicated than my taxes! The G7 is talking about it which means lots of people in suits sitting around a table eating tiny sandwiches. My kind of meeting!

Tehran's Gonna Pay?!

Alright so this Katz fella Israel's defense minister is all riled up. He says Tehran is gonna 'pay the price'. Sounds ominous! He wants to attack 'regime targets and security infrastructure'. That's a lotta big words but basically it sounds like someone's gonna get a whoopin'. People are hurt buildings are down and things are generally a mess. It's like that time I tried to build a treehouse for Meg and it collapsed. Good times… for me.

So What Does This Mean for Me and My Beer?

Honestly Lois I haven't the slightest idea. But what I do know is that war is bad oil prices are confusing and I could really go for a beer. So let's all just try to get along or at least not blow anything up okay? Now if you'll excuse me I'm gonna go yell at the TV. It's the only thing I'm really good at. Peter out!