Hail to the King, Baby! Israel and Iran Throw Down in Epic Showdown!

Damn Those Missiles are Going to Leave a Mark!

Alright you primitive screwheads listen up! Word on the street – and by street I mean the entire freakin' Middle East – is that Israel and Iran are trading blows like it's a heavyweight championship. Missiles flying targets exploding… it’s like a real life action movie except way more serious. Looks like Israel decided to give Iran a taste of their own medicine hitting back after those sneaky attacks. Looks like someone's gonna have to clean up aisle 5!

Nuclear Talks Cancelled? What a Waste of Good Diplomacy!

So those namby pamby nuclear talks are off the table? Figures. Seems like when the lead starts flying everyone forgets how to talk. Trump’s jawing about how Tehran needs to play nice but with bombs dropping who’s gonna listen? "Nobody steals our freedom!" I get it nobody wants a nuclear powered pain in the ass but maybe some good ol' fashioned diplomacy coulda cooled things off. Eh what do I know? I just kick alien butt and look good doing it.

Gas Field Gone Wild? Sounds Like a Party!

Hold on a sec! Did someone say gas field went kablooey? Now that's a waste of fuel! All that wasted energy... I could've used that to power my jetpack! Guess Iran's gonna have to find a new way to keep the lights on... or maybe not. It's their problem. The important thing is Israel is gonna keep coming and I am all here for it. "I'm gonna tear you a new one."

Trump Being Trump: Blaming and Praising in One Breath!

Gotta love The Don. One minute he's warning Iran about the consequences the next he's bragging about how awesome American military equipment is. Classic Trump! Seems like he's enjoying the show from the sidelines probably tweeting about it between cheeseburgers. Well I wish he gave me the equipment. All I have is my awesome skills! "My kind of town!"

The Strait of Hormuz: A Waterway to Chaos!

Iran's playing the 'close the Strait of Hormuz' card? Real original guys. That's like threatening to hold your breath until you get what you want. All that'll do is screw up oil prices and piss off everyone who needs to ship stuff. If they close it I will PERSONALLY go down there and make sure it is open. "I'm here to kick ass and chew bubble gum and I'm all outta gum."

Stocks in the Toilet? Time to Buy Low Baby!

Well well well. Looks like all this fighting is giving the stock market a case of the jitters. Dow Jones down S&P down Nasdaq down. Time to buy low and sell high baby! While everyone else is panicking I'm seeing dollar signs. After all "It's time to kick ass and chew bubble gum...and I'm all outta gum."