FCC Cracks Down on Woke Comcast! Is Your Streaming Next?!

Wubba Lubba Dub Dub It's Happening!

Alright Morty listen up because this is some Grade A interdimensional bureaucratic bullcrap. The FCC that bunch of pencil pushing cronenbergs is sticking its nose where it doesn't belong. Apparently they're launching a full blown pants wetting investigation into Comcast and NBCUniversal's diversity equity and inclusion efforts or DEI for short. You know that whole 'let's pretend we care about everyone equally' song and dance. This whole thing smells like a bad batch of Fleeb juice.

Trump's Ghost Haunts the Airwaves!

So here's the kicker Morty: This whole charade started after President Tangerine Dream signed an executive order to can these DEI programs faster than I can chug a bottle of Szechuan sauce. The FCC under Chairman Brendan Carr – a guy who probably thinks 'woke' is an eye condition – is using this as an excuse to go after Comcast and NBCUniversal. Because you know those companies “cover a range of sectors regulated by the FCC.” What a load of interdimensional horseshit. I mean who cares if Comcast has a 'DEI infrastructure' with annual 'DEI days'? Seems like a pretty standard corporate song and dance to me Morty. A dance filled with lies!

Comcast's Response: The Usual Corporate Gobbledygook

Of course Comcast is playing the 'innocent until proven guilty' card Morty. A spokesperson mumbled something about integrity and respect which is corporate code for 'we'll say anything to keep the stock price up.' 'For decades our company has been built on a foundation of integrity and respect for all of our employees and customers.' Yeah right. Tell that to the guy who's internet just got throttled! It's all about the money Morty. Always has been always will be.

Commissioner Starks: A Voice of Reason (Sort Of)

Okay Morty so there's this one guy Commissioner Geoffrey Starks who seems to have a few brain cells firing. He's calling this investigation a bunch of hooey saying it's “out of our lane and out of our reach.” Which is basically what I say every time Summer tries to give me relationship advice. But hey even a broken clock is right twice a day right? Starks is “gravely concerned.” I mean who isn't these days Morty? The world is going to shit.

Disney and PBS: Running Scared Like Ants at a Picnic

Meanwhile Morty Disney is rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic updating its DEI stuff and rebranding initiatives faster than you can say 'corporate synergy'. And PBS? They're shutting down their DEI office faster than I abandon Summer in a post apocalyptic wasteland. 'We will continue to adhere to our mission and values. PBS will continue to reflect all of America and remain a welcoming place for everyone,' they said. Yeah sure until the checks stop clearing!

Wrap It Up Rick!

Bottom line Morty: it's all a big cosmic joke. Bureaucrats corporations they're all just playing their part in the grand meaningless theatre of life. Just grab some Szechuan sauce tune out the noise and try not to think about how insignificant you are in the grand scheme of things. Wubba Lubba Dub Dub! And that's the wayyyyy the news goes!