Hail to the King, Baby! Charter and Cox Cable Get Hitched in Mega-Deal!

Mergers? I've Seen Bigger Explosions!

Alright you primitive screwheads listen up! Duke Nukem is here to drop some truth bombs about this so called 'mega deal' between Charter Communications and Cox Communications. These two cable giants are joining forces in a merger worth more than a few strippers and a whole lotta booze. They're saying it values Cox at $34.5 billion. But hey I've blown up things worth more than that on a Tuesday.

Wireless Wars: They Live!

The broadband industry is feeling the heat from those pesky wireless companies offering 5G and other fancy stuff. Seems like everyone's ditching the old cable TV bundle. Charter lost 60,000 broadband customers and 181,000 cable TV customers. Looks like they needed a power up! That’s why these companies are always trying to suck more money out of you. So just keep giving them your money. What else are you going to do?

Mobile to the Rescue Or Not?

Charter is trying to hold onto customers by pushing their mobile business and they got 10.5 million mobile lines. Smart move but it's like bringing a pea shooter to a nuclear firefight. Still it's better than nothing right? All those things are distractions anyway.

New Boss Same as the Old Boss.

After the merger the company will be called Cox Communications but don't get too excited. Charter's Spectrum brand will be the one you see. Chris Winfrey from Charter will still be running the show and some Cox bigwigs will be on the board. Sounds like the same old song and dance to me. I’d like to kick their ass! But not now…

Synergy? More Like Shenanigans!

Charter is claiming they'll save about $500 million in cost synergies within three years. Sure and I'm dating Pamela Anderson. These deals are always about lining someone else's pockets not saving you money. But hey what do I know? I'm just a guy who likes kicking alien butt. I’m an action hero. What more can I say?

Duke's Verdict: Time to Kick Ass and Chew Bubblegum!

So what's the bottom line? These companies are getting bigger but are you gonna get better service? Probably not. But hey at least we can all look forward to higher bills and more annoying commercials. As for me I'm gonna go back to saving the world one alien at a time. Duke Nukem is out! “Come get some!”