Giggity Giggity Goo! Soccer Moms to the Rescue... of Themselves!

Holy Crap! Moms are Dying?!

Alright so apparently more than 700 women kicked the bucket every day in 2023 because of pregnancy stuff. Seven hundred! That's like a whole lot of Lois's! And if Lois goes who's gonna tell me I can't have another beer at 10 AM? This is a serious issue folks. We need to fix this faster than you can say 'Freakin' Sweet!'

Soccer to the Rescue!?

So this guy Morad Fareed some fancy pants former soccer dude is like 'Hey I got an idea! Soccer!' He created FC Mother which sounds like a robot from Star Wars but it's actually a program where moms can connect and not die. He calls it "H sports," because apparently normal words aren't cool enough anymore. It's like that time I invented 'Petercopter'... slightly less useful maybe.

World Cup of Healing? Sounds Like a Party!

They're having a 'World Cup of Healing,' where moms get points for being healthy. It’s like when I tried to get points for being the best at drinking Pawtucket Patriot Ale. Didn't work out so well. Anyway these moms fill out surveys and stuff and the better they do the more their 'team' progresses. It’s all very official and science y with Harvard people and Real Madrid doctors involved. I bet Quagmire would love to be a doctor... Giggity!

USA! USA! ...Oh Wait We're Not Doing So Hot

So they ranked all the countries by how good they are at keeping moms alive and guess what? The USA is number 44! That’s worse than uh... well it's bad! Brazil’s even worse at 46th and that is just crazy! We're getting beat by countries that probably don't even have cable! Looks like we need a shot of that good ol' American ingenuity. Maybe a bald eagle delivering babies?

Quality Adjusted Life Years? Sounds Complicated...

Apparently the goal is to give moms more 'Quality Adjusted Life Years,' or QUALYs. It sounds like some kind of fancy cheese but it's just a way of saying 'Let’s make moms feel better and live longer.' They ask questions about how happy and pain free they are. I should probably do one of those surveys. My back’s been killing me ever since I tried to build that treehouse... that didn't last very long..

It's Not Just About Fixing Booboos

This FC Mother thing isn't about doctors and hospitals. It's about having people around you who don't make you want to punch a wall. Because according to science having friends and not being stressed out can add like ten years to your life. TEN YEARS! That's ten more years of watching TV eating chicken wings and trying to understand what the heck Stewie is saying! This is serious folks.