Bah! Prostate Problems Plague Bumble-Brained Biden!

Blast That Bladder!

Good heavens what is the world coming to? I just received word that that dithering old fool Joe Biden has been diagnosed with prostate cancer! Apparently his plumbing is about as reliable as Smithers' attempts at flirting. Urinary symptoms they say. Bah! Probably just from drinking too much prune juice the old coot. But cancer? Preposterous!

A Nodule? Poppycock!

A 'prostate nodule,' they call it. Sounds like something you'd find growing in the Kwik E Mart's back room. But apparently this nodule has caused quite the kerfuffle. It seems our former president was seen by doctors after experiencing these 'urinary symptoms,' leading to the discovery of this… nuisance. Frankly I'm more concerned about the rising cost of plutonium for the power plant.

Gleason Score of 9? Utter Nonsense!

This "Gleason score of 9 (Grade Group 5)" sounds utterly dreadful doesn't it? It's worse than discovering that the nuclear waste is glowing green again. The statement from Biden's office says the cancer has 'metastasized to the bone.' So he's becoming brittle just like my stock portfolio after one of my…investments.

Hormone Sensitive? Pshaw!

Apparently there's a silver lining! They say this cancer is 'hormone sensitive,' whatever that means. Perhaps a healthy dose of testosterone might help? Or maybe he should just try ignoring it. That's always worked for me… mostly. Though come to think of it I did have that brief flirtation with youthful hormones once. It ended rather badly if I recall. Something about dancing and a very angry Smithers.

Effective Management? We Shall See!

They claim this 'hormone sensitivity' allows for 'effective management.' Bah! What do doctors know? They’re probably in cahoots with Big Pharma trying to bilk money out of poor unsuspecting…politicians. I say let him eat more kale and take a brisk walk. It’s what my doctors recommend though I much prefer a nice plate of roasted canary.

Excellent!

Well this has certainly brightened my day. Not that I wish the man ill of course. It’s just… amusing to see the mighty fall. Now if you'll excuse me I have a board meeting to attend. I'm thinking of instituting a new policy: mandatory tap dancing for all employees. It builds character you know and it also keeps them from questioning my authority. Excellent!