Wubba Lubba Dub-Dub! Trump Nukes the NRC, Speeds Up Reactors for AI... Because, You Know, Reasons

Total and Complete Reform? More Like Total and Complete B.S.

Alright alright settle down Morty. So this Trump guy remember him? Apparently he's still messing around with stuff even from whatever dimension he's haunting now. He's signed a bunch of executive orders to and I quote 'totally and completely reform' the Nuclear Regulatory Commission. Yeah because what this country really needs is more half baked ideas from a guy who probably thinks 'nuclear' is just a fancy word for 'delicious.' Bottom line? The NRC that five commissioner freakshow that's been regulating nuclear reactors for half a century is about to get a 'reorganization'. Translation: some poor schlubs are getting the axe. You know typical bureaucratic baloney. Like anyone actually knows what the hell's going on. 'Nobody exists on purpose nobody belongs anywhere everybody's gonna die.' Except maybe these reactors if they don't blow up first.

18 Months to Decide? More Like 18 Seconds If I Was Running the Show

Here's the kicker: Trump wants the NRC to approve nuclear reactor licenses within 18 months. Eighteen months! I can invent a universe in 18 minutes Morty! But no these pencil pushing bureaucrats need a year and a half to decide if we should power our toasters with controlled explosions. What a crock. I mean come on Morty speed is of the essence. Think about it: 18 months. That's like what three whole seasons of 'Interdimensional Cable'? Who has that kind of time? The real question is can they use that 18 months to at least learn to love each other?

Layoffs? More Like Cosmic Realignments

Oh and get this Morty. Apparently this 'total reform' might mean some people at the NRC are gonna lose their jobs. The White House official said there'll be 'turnover and changes in roles.' Classic bureaucratic doublespeak for 'you're fired!' What a load of schlammage! I mean seriously these people are just trying to make a living and now they're gonna get sucked into the unemployment dimension because some orange faced buffoon wants to streamline the process of nearly destroying the planet. At least they won't be working there anymore when the bomb drops.

Nuclear Plants on Federal Land? Sounds Like a Recipe for Disaster

So Trump's also ordering the Departments of Energy and Defense to build nuclear reactors on federal land. Because what could possibly go wrong with letting the military play with nuclear toys? The official says it's for 'safe and reliable nuclear energy to power and operate critical defense facilities and AI data centers.' Translation: Skynet is coming online and it needs juice. The NRC won't even have a say in it because the Departments can just do whatever they want under national security authority. 'Great another government agency that can’t get its act together.' The only safe place is INSIDE OF YOU Morty!

Uranium Mining Bonanza? Time to Invest in Radiation Suits Morty!

And hold onto your butts Morty because Trump's also trying to jump start uranium mining in the U.S. and expand domestic uranium enrichment. Because apparently we haven't learned our lesson from Chernobyl Fukushima or that time I accidentally turned the garage into a radioactive wasteland. Look Morty uranium is like sex lots of fun until you’re paying for it. Just what we need: more radioactive rocks dug up to fuel the inevitable apocalypse. I'm telling you Morty humanity is just a bunch of lemmings running towards the cliff of self destruction.

AI's Thirsty for Power? Time to Rig the System Morty!

But here's the real kicker. All this nuclear madness is apparently driven by the computer industry's insatiable hunger for electricity to power their AI data centers. Yeah that's right Morty. We're potentially risking nuclear meltdowns so that Skynet can have enough juice to learn how to make better cat videos. Three Mile Island the site of that whole partial meltdown thing back in the day is even expected to come back online thanks to financial support from Microsoft Alphabet and Amazon. At this rate all this nuclear will give these companies a god complex and they'll know what it feels like to control a god. I swear Morty sometimes I think the universe is just a giant cosmic joke... and we're the punchline. Better keep your mega seeds close Morty you never know.