Wubba Lubba Dub-Dub! Stocks, Tariffs, and AI: Rick's Guide to Surviving Another Friday

Rallies and Reality Checks: Hold On To Your Butts!

Alright Morty listen up. The market's doing that thing again where it pretends to be happy. Stocks are up blah blah blah. Some U.S. U.K. trade deal? Who cares! It's all just a simulation anyway. But don't get too excited because just like your summer romance it's probably gonna crash and burn before the credits roll. Remember Morty never trust a fart... or a stock rally. Wubba Lubba Dub Dub!

Trump's Tariff Tantrums: Get Schwifty With Trade Wars!

So the Tangerine Tyrant is floating the idea of an 80% tariff on China? Eighty percent Morty! That's like saying you're 80% sure you know what you're doing when you're actually just winging it like I do with most of my inventions. He's leaving it up to some Treasury stooge. Probably just another puppet Morty. Political theater distractions all meaningless in the grand scheme of the multiverse. You gotta turn that off Morty! Turn it off!

Affirmative Action... For Your Portfolio? Mostly No.

Affirm Shmirm. They reported some stuff missed some other stuff. The usual corporate garbage fire. Some analysts are upgrading it? Who cares what they think! Analysts are like those parasites that control people's minds. Except instead of minds it's wallets. Just ignore them Morty and focus on finding the Szechuan sauce.

Texas Roadhouse: Where Disappointment is Served with Peanuts

Texas Roadhouse? More like Texas Road kill am I right Morty? They screwed up their earnings but hey at least their sales are slightly less terrible. Margins are getting squeezed? Welcome to the club buddy! Everything's getting squeezed! The universe is constantly expanding into nothingness. What are you gonna do about it huh? Eat some peanuts and pretend everything's fine? Pathetic.

Lyft's Lucky Streak: Buybacks and Bullshit!

Lyft's buying back shares? That's just a fancy way of saying they're throwing money at a problem. Goldman Sachs upgraded them? Oh geez. Look Morty don't fall for this corporate charade! It's all smoke and mirrors. Just like everything else. You wanna know the truth Morty? Nobody belongs anywhere nobody exists on purpose everybody's gonna die. Now go watch TV.

Expedia's Existential Crisis: Travel is Overrated Anyway

Expedia's lowering their outlook? Surprise surprise. Travel is for chumps Morty. Why bother seeing the world when you can just invent a portal gun and visit infinite realities from the comfort of your own garage? Piper Sandler downgraded them? Good. Maybe people will finally realize that staying home and watching interdimensional cable is a much better use of their time. Get off my lawn! Also get Schwifty!