Wubba Lubba Dub Dub! Rick's Guide to Wall Street's Wildest Calls (May 1st, 2024)

Apple: Still Overrated But Whatever...

Alright alright settle down Morty. So Evercore ISI is still humping Apple's leg huh? 'Outperform,' they say. Geopolitics tariffs... Blah blah blah. Look even a blind Squanchy finds a nut sometimes. They're sticking with a $250 target. Honestly Morty half these analysts are just regurgitating each other's squanch. It's like a hive mind but stupider. They expect Apple to pull some rabbits out of their asses to offset the impact of tariffs. Whatever helps them sleep at night. Wake me up when they invent interdimensional cable on my phone then we can talk.

Ad Tech and the Google Goblins

Rosenblatt is buzzing about The Trade Desk because Google got a slap on the wrist. Antitrust they say! Finally. TTD might actually get some crumbs from the big G's table. 'Upside potential,' blah blah. Still doesn't mean anything when the whole market is rigged. Remember Morty capitalism is just people squabbling over scraps of concentrated dark matter. The universe doesn't give a fart in space about ad tech.

Nvidia: My Top Pick for World Domination (Maybe)

Piper Sandler's still got the hots for Nvidia. China concerns? Please Morty. Those are just speed bumps on the road to global GPU domination. They said Nvidia is their top pick and still maintaining a good relationship with customers. It is simple Morty they are selling the shovels in the gold rush. The future is AI Morty this thing will either solve everything or doom us all.

Shipping and Logistics: 'Buy' a Ticket to Nowhere

Jefferies is all hot and bothered about Matson some shipping and logistics company. Listen Morty unless they're shipping portal guns I don't care. 'Compelling,' they say. Well let me tell you what's compelling: the infinite possibilities of the multiverse and the crushing weight of existential dread. They're giving it a $125 target. My target is a bottle of Blips and Chitz Szechuan sauce and that's way harder to find.

Tesla: More Like 'Test Lame a'

Redburn Atlantic Equities is still shorting Tesla. Good. Someone's got a brain around here. 'Spending for growth,' they whine. It's more like spending to avoid bankruptcy. They're expecting volume declines and cash flow strain. Listen Morty Tesla is just Elon's vanity project. A giant overpriced paperweight that runs on hopium and delusion. I would not hold my breath.

Netflix: The Only Thing You'll Watch After the Apocalypse

CFRA upgraded Netflix? Well duh Morty! What else are people gonna do when the world ends? Stare at the rubble? Might as well binge watch 'Ball Fondlers' until your brain melts. They say Netflix has a 'unique competitive position.' Translation: they're the least worst streaming service in a sea of garbage. And they have no China exposure so they are safe. And look they're gonna raise the prices again because nobody can resist the sweet siren song of mediocre entertainment. The galaxy is doomed. But hey at least we'll have something to watch.