Keurig Dr Pepper?! More Like Keurig Dr. Winner! Analysts Are Drinking the Kool-Aid! (Or Is It Dr. Pepper?)

Wubba Lubba Dub Dub! Another Stock Upgrade Morty!

Alright Morty listen up. These so called 'analysts' at Piper Sandler they've finally caught on to something I figured out like three burps ago. They upgraded Keurig Dr Pepper (KDP). Apparently this Dr. Pepper Blackberry flavor is selling like hotcakes in a Cronenberg world. I mean who even drinks that stuff? But hey if the masses want diabetes in a can who am I to judge? (Burps loudly).

Gen Z? More Like Gen Zzzzz...

Oh and get this Morty. The 'leading indicator' for these corporations is Gen Z. Yeah those kids who can't decide if they want to be influencers or just stare at their phones all day. Apparently they're chugging Dr. Pepper like it's the elixir of life. Spring 2025 survey Morty! I didn't even know we'd make it this far. These kids are calling the shots now? Jesus Morty we are so screwed.

USRB? Sounds Like a Government Conspiracy Morty!

So this Lavery guy he’s talking about 'strong retail sales growth momentum in its USRB segment.' What the hell is USRB Morty? Sounds like some deep state organization that's gonna come after us for knowing too much. Either way it's making the stock go up. And when stocks go up people buy more stuff. It's basic interdimensional economics Morty. Keep up!

Green Coffee Beans? More Like Green Coffee *Beats* the Stock!

Of course there's always a catch Morty. Something about 'lofty prices for green coffee bean futures.' Green coffee beans? Who cares? I can synthesize coffee out of thin air with my portal gun! But apparently it's a 'concern' for the company. Though it hasn't hurt their numbers yet so who gives a schwifty? (burps)

Wall Street's a Bunch of Sheep Morty!

Lavery's joining the 'buy' bandwagon Morty. Because you know Wall Street is just one big hive mind. If one guy says 'buy,' they all say 'buy.' It's like they're programmed by the Citadel of Ricks! I swear Morty sometimes I think these financial analysts are just alternate versions of you all dumb and easily manipulated.

Grass... Tastes Bad!

So the stock's up a bit and apparently it's on track to end a three year losing streak. Good for them. Maybe they should invest in some Szechuan sauce futures. I bet that would really get them off their asses. Listen Morty just remember to stay schwifty and don't drink too much Dr. Pepper Blackberry. You'll get a nasty case of the Squanchies. Trust me.