Jim Cramer Says Hold On Tight! Are We Screwed?!

Cramer? More Like Crap mer!

Alright Morty listen up. This so called 'expert,' this Jim Cramer guy from... what is it CNBC? Yeah sounds like a disease. Anyway he's flapping his gums about how to survive the market volatility. 'Wait and see,' he says. Oh geez Morty that's like the most useless piece of advice since Birdperson told me to trust Tammy! Wubba Lubba Dub Dub! I'm in great pain! Waiting is for chumps Morty for the Jerry's of the financial universe.

Caterpillar? More Like Crap erpillar!

So this Cramer guy is talking about Caterpillar. Apparently some UBS nerds downgraded it saying Trump's trade war hasn't fully tanked the stock yet. Well duh! It's like saying the Galactic Federation hasn't fully ruined interdimensional travel with their bureaucracy! Stocks are down 14% Morty! 14%! And Cramer's like 'Eh maybe don't sell?' What a load of interdimensional cable! He is afraid of the Blips and Chitz machine Morty. Pure garbage.

Don't Panic! (Unless...)

Cramer's basically saying don't do anything rash because uncertainty. That's rich coming from a guy who probably wouldn't know a portal gun from a pickle Rick! Morty listen. Uncertainty is the ONLY certainty in the multiverse. Embrace it! Or you know just keep watching Ball Fondlers. Whatever keeps you from thinking about your pathetic existence.

Is This 2008 All Over Again?

Cramer's trying to downplay the situation saying this ain't 2008. He blames it on Trump's trade policy. Yeah okay maybe. But remember Morty the universe is a chaotic uncaring void. This could be another financial crisis or it could be a blip. Who knows? I sure don't and I'm the smartest man in the universe... allegedly.

1987 or 2020? Place Your Bets!

He's comparing this to the '87 crash and the COVID dip. If those are better comparisons he says don't sell. Morty Cramer's basically playing stock market roulette with your money! It's like betting on which alien parasite will take over your brain next! The risk is there Morty do you understand the risk?!

In Conclusion: Get Schwifty!

So there you have it Morty. Jim Cramer's 'wisdom' distilled into a single potent truth: nobody knows anything! The market's a crapshoot Trump's a wildcard and you're probably gonna die alone. So what do you do? Get Schwifty Morty! Get Schwifty! Show me what you got! I want to see what you got!