JD Vance Says US Ain't Beefing with Iran, Just Their Shiny Boom-Boom Button

Not War Just a *Slight* Disagreement on Atomic Toys

Alright alright settle down Morty. So this JD Vance guy the VP yeah? He's yapping about how we're not *at war* with Iran. Nope! Just their nuclear program. Like we're borrowing their WMDs and forgot to return them. Get it together! It's like saying I'm not drunk I'm just… *aggressively hydrated* with fermented science juice.

Hegseth Boasts: Iran's Nuclear Ambitions? Obliterated!

Apparently this Pete Hegseth dude is strutting around like he just invented interdimensional cable. He's claiming Iran's "nuclear ambitions have been obliterated." Obliterated! Like wiping out a whole species of sentient corn people. I've seen bigger obliterations after Morty tries to cook ramen. The Trump administration thinks they are hot stuff but in reality they are just ants running around a picnic thinking they did something amazing.

Vance: We Want Peace... With No Nukes You Dig?

Vance on the boob tube 'Meet the Press,' bloviating about peace. "We do not want war with Iran we actually want peace but we want peace in the context of them not having a nuclear weapons program..." Translation: 'We want peace but only if they do exactly what we say.' Classic Earth diplomacy folks. It's like saying I want to be sober but only after one last interdimensional tequila shot...or ten.

Iran's Response: We Got Options Baby!

And of course Iran's Foreign Minister Abbas Araghchi is all like "We reserve all options to defend ourselves." Oh you got options? I got options too! I can turn your entire army into singing dancing cronenbergs! But no that'd be too easy. This is gonna be a real pain in the ass for Morty.

What's Left of Those Nuclear Sites? Top Secret Morty!

Welker asked Vance if those sites are still cooking with gas...or plutonium or whatever. Vance clams up citing 'sensitive intelligence.' Translation: 'We blew some stuff up but we have no idea if it actually worked and we don't want anyone to know.' He said that he feels very confident that they have delayed their development of a nuclear weapon and that was the goal of the attack.

Breaking News: Still Breaking!

So yeah that's the news Morty. A whole lot of saber rattling vague assurances and potentially a simmering international crisis. Now where's my portal gun? I need to find a universe where intelligent life has better things to do than argue about weapons of mass destruction. Wubba Lubba Dub Dub!