Is Your Portfolio Screwed Thanks to Trump Tariffs?! (Spoiler: Maybe)

Tariff Tango: A Rick trospective

Alright Morty listen up. It seems like the whole 'trade war' thing is still floating around. Trump throws a tariff tantrum everyone freaks out then nothing really happens. Classic misdirection! Like when I told Summer her new boyfriend was a telepath then I implanted a device in her brain that told her everything I wanted her to hear. Anyway the market's acting like it's over it but trust me Morty it's not over it. It's just drunk enough to think it is. Wubba Lubba Dub Dub... I mean it's fine.

Negotiations: More Like Negoti fiascos

So the White House is flapping its gums about deals with 'like 15 countries.' Sure Morty and I'm about to invent a device that turns poop into pure gold. Don't hold your breath. According to this Scott Welch guy chief investment officer of Certuity (sounds like a disease am I right Morty?) we don't have any of these deals. All just a bunch of schwifty talk.

Nvidia's Nano Nightmare

Oh and Nvidia? Getting boned for $5.5 billion. Seems like the chip export rules got them good. They dropped faster than Summer's GPA after a rave. See Morty? That's why you diversify. Don't put all your schmeckles in one basket even if that basket is full of fancy computer parts. The "Trump rug," as this Stacy Rasgon broad puts it is still in full effect. She ain't wrong Morty these politicians are a pain in the ass or should I say galactic asses. Get Schwifty!

TikTok and Trade Deals: A Match Made in…Hell?

This is where it gets really messy Morty. Apparently the negotiations can include anything from financing gas projects in Alaska to selling TikTok. Who the hell knows what's going to tank next? It's all random! Like when I invented a serum that turns people into furniture... Or was it the other way around? Point is chaos! Pure unadulterated chaos! This whole market is built on a house of cards.

Global Investors Going Galactic Gone

And get this Morty: Apparently global investors are ditching U.S. assets. They're running faster than me from Beth's emotional needs. Lawrence McDonald founder of the Bear Traps Report said the tariff negotiations are gonna keep US retail in the game and will not help global investors from selling Mag 7. Mag 7! Can you believe the audacity of these people? This is why you gotta be smarter than everyone Morty. That's my motto Morty. One of many motto's I live by Morty like "don't trust anyone" "alcohol is a great way to cope with pain" or "the government is run by reptiles". But hey you know what they say: Gras is tastes bad!

Earnings Season: Prepare for the Poop Show

Earnings season is about to kick off Morty and that's where the real fun begins. Corporate executives are going to try to explain how the global trade situation is screwing them over. Some of them will give two different forecasts while others will just pretend everything's fine. And Adam Parker from Trivariate Research says traders are dumping stocks faster than you can say 'existence is pain.' Apparently negative EPS revisions are getting punished hard. So basically Morty everyone's screwed. Including you. But hey at least you have me right? Right?....God I'm so lonely...