Holy Schnitzel! Is This The End Of The Trade War?!

Another Dimension Another Trade Deal...

Alright Morty listen up! Your old pal Rick is here to break down this… *burp*… this 'news.' So this suit wearing penguin Scott Bessent – Treasury Secretary whatever – he's flapping his beak at some fancy pants Institute of International Finance gig in Washington. Apparently he's yapping about the 'trade war' with China. You know that thing where everyone loses money except maybe those weirdos who hoard bottle caps?

Wubba Lubba Dub Dub...iously Optimistic!

Bessent this guy he's all like 'Oh China needs to change!' Well duh! Everyone needs to change Morty! I need to change my socks but am I doing it? *burp* Nope! The universe is chaos and expecting China to suddenly become a paragon of virtue is like expecting Mr. Poopybutthole to win a Nobel Prize. Possible? Maybe. Likely? Get Schwifty!

De Escalation? More Like De Illusions!

Here's the kicker Morty. This Bessent fella he's telling a bunch of investors behind closed doors that he expects a 'de escalation' in the trade war 'very near future'. 'No one thinks the current status quo is sustainable' blah blah blah... Sounds like he's trying to pump up the stock market so he can unload his shares before the whole thing goes kablooey. Classic Rick move am I right?

The Status Quo Is NOT Sustainable!

Morty I've seen what's beyond the Citadel of Ricks. Trust me NOTHING is sustainable. This trade war? It's just another blip in the cosmic microwave. But hey maybe Bessent's right. Maybe Trump will suddenly decide to play nice with China. And maybe just maybe I'll finally invent a portal gun that dispenses Szechuan sauce. Don't count on it.

Subscribe to CNBC... Or Don't. Who Cares?

And of course the article ends with a plug for subscribing to CNBC. As if anyone needs more reasons to be depressed. Listen Morty the universe is vast and terrifying. Don't waste your time watching talking heads on TV. Go out there and… *burp*… find something that actually matters. Like I don't know a hidden dimension filled with sentient pizza slices.

Gravy Train!

So there you have it Morty. Another day another potential economic catastrophe averted… or maybe just delayed. Who knows? Who cares? Just remember what I always say: 'Don't think about it Morty.' Now let's go get some Blips and Chitz. I'm feeling lucky… and also slightly nauseous from all this geopolitical mumbo jumbo.