Flamin' Hot Apocalypse! Are Your Favorite Snacks About to Get Healthy(ish)?!

Wubba Lubba Grub Grub! The End is Nigh (for Fake Colors Anyway)

Alright Morty listen up! The FDA that bunch of bureaucrats who probably still think Pluto is a planet is apparently having a 'come to Jesus' moment. They're yanking the plug on petroleum based synthetic dyes! Yeah those things that make your Flamin' Hot Cheetos look like they're radioactive and your Mountain Dew Baja Blast… well Baja Blasty. Supposedly it's all about making kids healthier. As if! I mean come on Morty kids are gonna be kids whether their Skittles are rainbow colored or beige. It's a distraction Morty a distraction from the real problems! Like uh… interdimensional cable reruns! Or the rising price of Szechuan sauce!

Toxic Soup? More Like Delicious Danger Morty!

Apparently some FDA guy named Marty Makary (who sounds like a character from one of those old timey cartoons Morty) is flapping his gums about American kids living in a 'toxic soup of synthetic chemicals.' Toxic soup? Morty have you seen what I keep in my garage? That's toxic soup! This is just… marketing. Companies use these dyes to lure in shoppers like moths to a flame...or Morty to a coupon for Butterfinger Bites. But now the jig might be up. And the changes will affect titans like PepsiCo General Mills Mars and WK Kellogg. All I can say to them is: Get Schwifty! Get creative! Find a new way to make your garbage palatable.

An Understanding? More Like a Glitch in the Matrix Morty!

So here's the kicker Morty. There's no formal agreement! Just an 'understanding' according to some other suit named Robert F. Kennedy Jr. Sounds like the kind of deal you make with a Glip Glop vendor in Blips and Chitz. Meaning it's about as solid as a fart in space. They’re just going to 'explore every tool in the toolbox' to make sure this gets done. Toolbox? I've got a toolbox in my spaceship that could rewrite the laws of physics Morty. This is just a bunch of bureaucratic baloney. Meanwhile I bet McCormick is rubbing their hands together cackling about all the 'reformulation activity' they're gonna get. Corporate vultures Morty corporate vultures.

Beet Juice Apocalypse? My Man!

Here's a suggestion from these geniuses: replace red dye with watermelon juice or beet juice! Great! Now my Flamin' Hots are gonna taste like…salad. That's the dumbest thing I ever heard! And I've heard a lot of dumb things Morty believe me. Lancet study also concluded that artificial colors in the diet 'result in increased hyperactivity.' Hyperactivity is good Morty! Keeps the plebs distracted from the fact that their lives are meaningless!

Make America Healthy Again? More Like Make America Bland Again!

So Kennedy is going on about how removing dyes is an 'urgent priority of the Trump administration.' Right. As if Trump cares what color his cheeseburgers are. This whole thing smacks of… well I don't know Morty. It smacks of something stupid and pointless. Like trying to reason with a Jerry. He is also at the helm of a $1.7 trillion agency! I’ve seen smaller universes than that Morty. But whatever he can play with his little toys. I'll be over here perfecting my portal gun and scoffing at the idiocy of it all.

Eat Poop You Guys!

Ultimately this is all just a big interdimensional shrug. Maybe your favorite snacks will taste slightly different. Maybe they'll cost a little more. Maybe the universe will implode because the fundamental laws of reality are tied to the color of Skittles. Who knows Morty? Who cares? Just grab a beer turn on some interdimensional cable and try not to think about it. After all as I always say 'Sometimes science is more art than science Morty. A lot of people don't get that.' And those people are probably running the FDA.