China's Rare Earth Monopoly Could Make US Military Go Poopy Butthole!

Wubba Lubba Dub Dub We're in Trouble!

Alright alright settle down you pathetic humans. Rick here your friendly neighborhood interdimensional genius reporting live from my garage – where incidentally I'm pretty sure I just invented a device that turns your existential dread into delicious frosted pastries. Anyway enough about that. The real news is this: China's pulling some seriously shady crap with these 'rare earth elements'. Apparently they're hoarding the shiny rocks we need to build everything from fighter jets to Mr. Poopybutthole's dentures. And guess what? The US is flatter than a two dimensional Morty on this one! Oh geez.

Rare Earths? More Like Rare...Problems!

So these 'rare earth elements' – samarium gadolinium terbium and a bunch of other words you probably can't pronounce are essential for making all sorts of military stuff. Without them the US military is gonna be about as effective as Morty trying to parallel park a spaceship. China's slapping export controls on these things meaning they get to decide who gets what. According to the Center for Strategic and International Studies this could leave the US with its pants down. Not a pretty sight trust me.

No Heavy Lifting Here Just Heavy Metals Schwifty!

The CSIS report spells it out: if China cuts off the supply of these rare earth elements the US is basically screwed. Why? Because apparently we’re not doing any heavy rare earth element separation here in the US right now! Talk about being unprepared. It's like showing up to a Cronenberg convention without a hazmat suit. The Defense Department is trying to build up a domestic supply chain by 2027 but that's like a million years away in Rick time. By then I'll have probably conquered at least three dimensions and turned Earth into a giant theme park. Get your act together you bureaucratic morons.

Ukraine to the Rescue? More Like Ukraine...Maybe?

Trump tried to strike a deal with Ukraine for their rare earth mineral deposits. Great idea but about as reliable as Morty's sense of direction. The CSIS report warns that these export controls pose direct threats to U.S. military readiness highlighting that the country is already lagging behind in its defense manufacturing. China is acquiring advanced weapons systems and equipment five to six times faster than the U.S.! It's like a race between a hyperdrive equipped spaceship and Morty on a tricycle. We're doomed!

Welcome to the Club Losers!

The U.S. isn't the only one sweating bullets here. Australia Brazil and even countries in other dimensions are scrambling to secure their own rare earth supplies. CSIS recommends that the U.S. throw some money and diplomatic support their way. But here's the kicker: China's new export licensing system might actually incentivize other countries to play nice with them to avoid getting cut off. It's like Stockholm syndrome but with geopolitics.

Weaponizing Rocks: The Future is Scary Man!

Neil Shearing from Capital Economics says that controls on rare earths are now part of Beijing's playbook. They're not just selling stuff; they're using it as a weapon. And it's not just rare earths; China controls the supply of a bunch of other critical minerals too. The future of the global economy is going to be a bunch of countries fighting over shiny rocks. Sounds about right. Get Schwifty. Seriously. We're all gonna die anyway might as well have a dance.